Relationships are profoundly exciting, fulfilling, grounding and stabilising. They give you the quintessential feeling of being at home. They bring with them an inherent sense of security and comfort that we all need as mere mortals. They make living life fun and truly meaningful, worth living, if I may!
Except what happens when you have been in a relationship for far too long and start taking it for granted? Don’t get me wrong – it’s a rare thing to be so secure in a relationship that you take it for granted. It’s a great feeling to know that you can bank on a real connection. No matter if everything is going south, it’s relieving to know that your partner will be there right around the corner for you.
But we all know it’s not hunky dory even in the best of relationships. Getting stuck in a relationship rut is a real thing. Relationships take work. Relationships need to be nurtured. Don’t wait around for the rut to pass on its own because it most likely won’t. It’s neither fair to yourself nor your partner because you’re losing out on a chance to feel all that we said relationships make you feel.
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Why are relationships so important and why do they get stuck in ruts?
I was reading ‘Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love’ by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller last weekend. They said we get into relationships for primal needs and survival (no surprise there!).
Of course, it’s not the hunting and firelighting anymore but our need to seek a support system remains the same. We all need people around us who can be there for us stand with us through difficult times and nudge us to look at the light at the end of the tunnel. And if you think you don’t need anybody or anyone’s help in getting through life – then we may have an altogether different problem to deal with.
Whether you admit it or not – we all (read – ALL) want someone to grow old with!
As important as they are for our physical and mental well-being, we often simply forget to check in about the health of the relationship which leads us into a rut.
Let’s figure what are the signs that you’re stuck in a relationship rut.
What are the signs that your relationship is stuck in a rut according to experts?
- Are you feeling a lack of emotional connection with your partner? Feeling like they’re right in front of you but still distant indicating lack of communication and connection?
- Are you or your partner stuck in your daily routine so deeply that you both have barely been paying attention to your relationship?
- Are you tired of trying to make an effort in your relationship? Or do you not even make an effort at all?
- Do you feel like you’ve had to contribute so much to a relationship that you’ve forgotten who you are, and what you liked to eat or do in your free time?
- Are you stuck feeling that you have no time for yourself and your personal growth in the relationship?
- Do you notice that everything other than each other is prioritised?
- You don’t have anything to look forward to in the relationship and are stuck with the routine.
Signs aside, if you feel like your relationship is stuck then anyway read the rest of the article. No harm in checking in and reconnecting with your partner.
Why you shouldn’t give up on your relationship?
As we grow older, it gets harder to form meaningful relationships and connections.
If you found your people once, you did at some point think it was worth it. There may have been a time not so long ago when he/she stood by you and was there for you in your time of need, making you feel all things good about yourself.
I am not advocating for elongating your suffering in a toxic relationship. Instead, I am giving you ways in which you can end your suffering by transforming the relationship. Honestly, isn’t it worth giving it a one fighting chance? A relationship stuck in a rut doesn’t always mean that it has ended. It just needs to be jerked out of the rut.
In any case, if everything fails and nothing changes, the option of making a better life for yourself on your own will always be there for you. But before you exercise that option, would you not rather have given it your all? Especially if all you need to do is take the steps mentioned in this article and do nothing more.
How to break the relationship rut?
Don’t wait around for your relationship to save itself
You and your partner equally share the responsibility of making it work because both of you together will reap the benefits. But there is no point in sitting and waiting for your life to improve on its own when there is so much you can do to make it better and live a fuller life.
We’re constantly talking about living conscious lives and this is what I’ll recommend for getting out of the rut and burnout as well. If there’s so much you can do to make yourself happier then why not do it?
We’re all about taking control – whether it’s your work or your life in general.
Take care of yourself
It may sound cliched but it’s true that you can only give and accept love if you truly love yourself. If you have low self-esteem or are unhappy with who you are and where you are in life, it is difficult to be in a relationship – give it your all and also accept the love that you’re getting from others.
Start by taking small steps like journaling to get to know yourself, and spend time doing things you enjoy and with people you feel at home with. Don’t compromise on your core needs for yourself and for your relationship. It unnecessarily builds resentment and anger. Take steps to appreciate yourself and how far you’ve come in life.
Sometimes, all it takes is reading a book you like, doing a night-time skincare routine, watching a movie, playing a game, treating yourself to a cup of your favourite coffee, meeting your best friend to feel good about yourself. As much as I love spending time with my partner, I also know that these little things also keep us sane. Plus, we have so much to tell each other at the end of the day!
What is it that you need from the relationship?
Figure out what is going wrong. You can do this by taking a note (yes, please write it down else you will forget!) of how your recent fights or arguments started, if there have been any. Note down what is it that troubles you the most in a relationship and check for the underlying common themes.
What helps me when I am overwhelmed and losing my mind is sitting down with a piece of paper and writing till my mind is not empty. Usually, somewhere along the last couple of pages (yeah, pages!), I usually end up coming to the core issue which is screwing up everything else in my life. Once I have the core issue out of my way, everything else becomes easier to deal with.
Figure out what are the core issues that trigger either of you. What do you and your partner need out of this to return to the fulfilling stage of the relationship? If only you know that you’re an anxious person, you can ask your partner for more reassurance from your partner. On the other hand, if you are secure or avoidant, you can ask for some alone time to clear your head.
Communicate, communicate and then communicate some more
I know that it’s difficult to be in a vulnerable place and be honest about how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. It is even harder to ask for what you need to feel better especially if your needs haven’t been met in the past.
But you wouldn’t believe the countless times I have sat in my bed feeling a host of feelings when my partner has no idea what I’m going through. Only when I told him what the issue was, did he immediately understand and take steps to make me feel better. So much for wallowing in my sorrow!
Be honest, be direct and get real with them. Till they know what you need, they can’t help you get to wherever you want to. You’ll be surprised when you open up to your partner, not only will you get the support you’re looking for in the relationship to get out of the rut but in time, they will also start to open up with you and the rut/burnout will fade away on its own.
Till you tell them what you need clearly, you’ll never know if they’re willing to go the extra mile to give you that. All in all, what you will gain is a stronger than ever connection in the relationship.
We’ve also talked about how important it is to talk to your partner clearly and honestly about what you need here. Maybe you could give it a read.
Is your partner going through something?
Recently, I was watching ‘Gilmore Girls’. One of the main characters in the show, ‘Rory’ is a teenage girl who joins a new school and gets bullied by ‘Paris’. Paris is having a hard time at home dealing with the burden of expectations and her parent’s divorce, which the whole school is talking about. To get everyone off her back, she tells the whole school about Rory’s mom dating their English teacher.
Even though telling everyone didn’t make Paris’s life better, she acted out with Rory. Interestingly, instead of acting out herself, when Rory confronted Paris, it not only got Paris to apologize to her but Paris opened up to Rory. More so, it taught Paris that there are better ways to deal with everything that life throws at you.
We do that ALL the time. We’re mad about something that happens at work and bring it back with us to our homes. I’m not saying that we should instantly forget it all – we can’t. But wouldn’t it be better if we all learned to use our relationships to gather support instead of using them as punching bags?
Get on the same page with your partner about your relationship
So far, we have covered figuring out what you need and telling your partner, and also getting your partner to do the same thing.
Now, let’s talk about getting on the same page with your partner. What are your goals for this relationship? What are your expectations from this relationship and from this exercise you did? How would you like to work this out with each other? If you are going to be together, you will have to find a way to satisfy each other.
If you have an anxious partner, you could reassure them more often if you know their anxiety and need for reassurance isn’t related to your sense of alone time. And if you are anxious yourself, you can tell your partner what you need from the relationship.
Have long-term and short-term goals together that you can work on with each other. How about saving up for a nice vacation together or buying a luxe item that you guys have been eyeing forever?
Plan time-outs from your daily routine
Life can get in the way by getting boring because, at some level, you’re stuck following the same routine over and over again. We don’t have an issue with routines. We like routines because they reduce stress and improve the overall quality of life. But it’s also good to break it once in a while.
Plan your long weekends and do what you and your partner like doing. Bring them a flower tomorrow evening when you come home from work, plan a surprise candle night dinner, gift them their favourite game or book and build up to breaking the rut. Make time for mandatory time-outs.
For me, I like to have at least one special outing planned in the near future to be able to look forward to it!
The ultimate solution – get some therapy (highly recommended)
Well, get therapy for yourself. Also, get couples therapy! I cannot advocate this enough. Sometimes life gets too much and you don’t have to deal with it on your own especially when you have extremely helpful ways to learn the tools to be better.
I’ve been in therapy for a few months and I cannot begin to explain to you how much it has helped me in dealing with overwhelming situations.
Well, if nothing else convinces you – it’s going to be cheaper than divorce or the physical ailments that might befall you because of all the stress.
If you’ve reached the end of this article – kudos! This was your first step one towards improving your relationships and consciously living happier lives. Don’t forget to have regular check-ins. Schedule and make time for those. The earlier you catch falling into a rut – the easier it is to fix.
