Have you ever felt like you always end up running into people who bully you around at school, at college, at work or even at home? Just no one respects what you need while you run around for everyone else? Letting them breach your boundaries all the time?
Do you feel like your boss or manager gives leeway to others but somehow, you’re stuck with all the baggage he has to throw even if your work is on point? Always the one who has to stay up late, work the weekends, cancel their leaves?
Do you often find yourself wondering how other people have it so easy while asking for what they need – be it a day off from work, some space in the classroom, to be left alone by a controlling partner?
Do you feel like no matter where you go, you have to deal with a bully as if the bully can smell you from the crowd?
Do you feel like you’re always the one who is just giving and giving in any relationship and never gets anything in return?
Don’t get me wrong, I am not advocating for a relationship where you measure every giving move based on how much you’re getting. All I’m saying is that you can’t be in a one-sided relationship because, at some point, you’re going to get tired and probably want to cut that other person right off.
You’re not alone. There are a lot of us out there who feel like we do right now. And there is a lot we can do to stop feeling like this too.
Can they smell you away from the crowd?
Well, they (let’s call the bullies – ‘they’) almost can. Not just them but everyone around you sees who you are through your actions and reactions, your words, and your body language, your discomfort when you’re trying to say no or take a stand for yourself.
When you’re not confident, are feeling low on self-esteem, and as a result, have difficulty setting strong boundaries, the people around you can see you as you are. This is why, you’ll see that some people just have it easier when they want to say no or ask for what they need in a relationship or ask for a leave from your boss.
Is your bully the problem or is it you?
I’ve been reading a lot of books about people feeling like shit because of what other people throw at them and not knowing how to deal with all the shit that people give them.
All of my reading material has been authored by experienced therapists who see the set patterns in the behaviour of their patients having similar complaints as you and I did. I’ll tell you about some of the books at the end of this post.
I remember sitting with my therapist and ranting about the people in my life who gave me shit. FOR WEEKS ON END – only to realize that the conversation just kept coming back to the same point – me. Why did I not stop those people as soon as I sensed they were crossing the boundaries?
What held me back from taking a strong stand? What made me so uncomfortable was when I had to tell them off. What am I so scared of?
While reading the books, it felt like I was just stuck in the same pattern. All of the authors had me asking myself the same questions as my therapist.
Blaming the victim? No, we’re not!
No, we’re not blaming you here. We know you’re the victim. No matter what or how grave the situation is, nothing will ever justify your boss screaming at you late on Friday night or your friend making you help them out at the cost of your work and sanity. Nothing will ever justify that!
Instead, we’re trying to tell you that you can’t change the weather. If it’s raining, you can for sure carry an umbrella or wear a raincoat to protect yourself.
Suppose you can learn what your boundaries are. Learn what is it that you can put up with and what is it that you cannot, and how to communicate those boundaries and enforce them, you will learn to protect yourself from the people who think it is easy to break your boundaries without any consequences.
Lucky for us, this is a fixable problem.
You can learn how to draw better boundaries in life and ensure other people respect those boundaries. All you need is a little bit of self-work and that’s it. Then you’re ready to take on the whole world!
What happens when you let other people breach the boundaries?
I talk from my personal experience. 🙂
The result was obvious, it made me anxious, it made me angry, it made me resentful, and it made me mad! When someone didn’t respect the boundaries, there were no consequences. I let it slide UNTIL I just couldn’t take it anymore. Eventually, I ended up cutting those people right out of my life because of how unhealthy those relationships became for me.
Now I wonder, what if I had set the boundaries very early on in the relationship with them instead of waiting to reach the tipping point for myself and for them to feel like I was completely changing as a person when I set any boundaries at all? Would they have listened and respected those boundaries? In any case, if they didn’t learn to respect them, the result wouldn’t be very far from where I reached without communicating my boundaries to them.
Disclaimer – Not at any given point am I going to tell you to stay in a toxic relationship. Please don’t do that.
What am I saying then?
All I am saying is that sometimes when we expect something from other people, those other people have no idea about it because we haven’t mentioned it to them even once. You can’t expect them to know all about what you’ve been going through when you’ve put up with everything to date.
You will need to tell them what you need from them and from the relationship (this is what we call boundaries) breaching boundaries does to you, how it makes you feel and how important it is to you that they learn to respect their boundaries. Especially if they want to keep that relationship.
I know it feels like it’s impossible to set a boundary. It feels like if you tell your boss you’re not going to work after 7 pm, you’ll lose your job. If you say no to helping a friend or accompanying a family member on a vacation, they’re going to say and think you’re a horrible person. Or worse, they’re just going to leave you.
I’ve been there and I know how you feel.
But don’t you think it’s worth it to try and explain to them all of what I said above if it is a relationship that is worth salvaging? May they won’t understand but maybe they will? If they do understand, then what does that do for you? How much of your time and sanity does it save you? How liberating would it feel to be able to ask for what you need freely without thinking about it?
The issue is that we have all grown up as such different individuals with varying childhood and adult experiences. It is probably not fair to expect the other person to understand your needs and wants without you expressing them. So let them know what you need and open yourself up to what they need in the healthiest way possible.
Action plan
You probably already know what the action plan is going to look like:
- Figure out what your boundaries are. What sets you off, what are your triggers, what actions lead to a fight, what is it that you need from them to feel comfortable and happy? If it helps you, make a list and keep it as long as you need. Use this as your prep to remind yourself whenever you need to draw your boundaries.
- Talk to them. Be clear and descriptive to ensure they get all that they need. Communication is the key. Till you tell them what you need, they can’t give it to you. And you honestly can only blame them for not giving it to you after you’ve asked and they refuse to respect it. Honestly, till you do that – the ball is still in your court.
- Tell them what the non-fulfilment of the need does to you – how it makes you feel. Put it into words and name those feelings. If they care for you, they WILL understand where you’re coming from and will make space for you as well. If it helps, you can try and be honest about what you’re trying to do here and why you’re trying to do it. I’ve been at the suffering end of sitting quietly and waiting for my friends and family to dream about how I’m feeling. But no surprise, that didn’t and doesn’t happen. Simply, save yourself from the hurt and tell them. Use the support system to have created instead of testing it time and again.
- Do not compromise on your core needs. While I advocate for taking in a relationship at home or work, I am also all for giving in that relationship. But if you compromise on your core needs while giving, it will result in resentment and anger towards that person and harm your relationship.
