“I’m so sure she was trying to throw me off when she said she needed to ‘work late’ in the office tonight! It took her all day to respond to one text of mine – who is too busy to respond to one text? Was she not free even for 30 seconds through the day? If they want to make time – they make the time! I know what that means.”
We all think we know what our partner meant when they said something that stuck with us. No, we don’t think we’re making any sort of assumptions.
We think we understand why people do the things they do and many a time, also believe that their actions mean something other than in the context of their own lives. We’re so sure of ourselves and won’t doubt ourselves for even a minute.
In their book ‘Attached’, Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller, who, by the way, is very well qualified to comment on this, state that most of their patients who complain of dissatisfaction in their relationships and issues with their partner need only one thing to feel otherwise. Just this one practice that we talk about a little later as you read, and their relationships could be all they ever wanted to be.
Table of Contents
You’re not a mind reader (I know – I wish I were too!)
We’ve all had such different lives up till this point. Your partner, friends, bosses, teachers and you – have grown up in vastly different environments that you and I probably don’t know much about. Most of the time, others’ actions and decisions are motivated by their environments way more than anything to do with you.
We’ve all been brought up so differently that even when take in any information and process it, the result is not a pure one. It is glazed with bias and tainted with our schemas.
So, as much as we’d like to be mind readers or as much as we’d like to believe that we are the centre of everyone’s world, so much so that the majority of their actions/reactions are directed at us – we’re not! Of course, sometimes it is about you and your relationship with them but even in those times, assuming what could have ticked them off isn’t going to be of much help.
Why do we assume and resort to protest behaviour?
Think about the times when you’ve felt overwhelmed by your emotions and feelings – whether it’s anger, fear or hurt. These emotions and feelings stem from the limbic system of the brain, which happens to be the best at recognising patterns in situations. Whenever it recognises a familiar pattern, it sends signals through emotions.
Now, all of this is generally done to protect you and prevent it all from happening again. Hence, certain situations that fit those patterns act as triggers and we experience the overwhelming emotions which cloud our thinking process. Taking cues from our emotions, we resort to ways to protect ourselves and get more attention from our partners – using our protest behaviour like isolating ourselves, cutting people off, blocking all communication till the partner comes crawling, assuming people are mad at us and getting defensive etc.
Think of it like a smoke alarm that goes off even if there’s no real fire but if you’ve left the stove on for too long and the food is burning. There is no real danger here but the machine is programmed to sound an alarm as soon as it senses the smoke. On hearing the alarm, you’ll check for the fire. Once you figure out, it’s just the stove, you’ll switch it off and take care of the smoke alarm instead of calling the fire brigade.
But in your case, since you’re not able to distinguish between the smoke from the full-fledged fire and the burnt food, your brain and body rush into assuming it’s the full-fledged fire and boom! You’re using all your ammo to put out the fire that didn’t even exist in the first place.
Let’s talk about a few examples
If you’re someone who generally feels like they’re not enough and needs to prove yourself, it will most likely be very difficult for you to even take constructive criticism. The person who is criticising constructively may genuinely have your best interests at heart and they may appreciate what you’re doing overall.
But all that you will see is them criticising you and how you’re deeply inadequate. In effect, you’d be assuming that they think you’re worthless. This will, in turn, get you to start acting defensive (what is often called protest behaviour) and you’d have unnecessarily ruined a perfectly good relationship.
In another case, if you’re someone who has been dealing with abandonment issues in the past and your partner is simply busy and late at work, you’re very likely to assume that their being absent is an indication of their lack of commitment or interest in you.
Again, your biased judgment will lead you to behave as if your partner was planning to leave you. Whereas, in reality, your partner could be planning a nice weekend getaway for you guys. Because of the protest behaviour getting activated, you’ll not only be blind to the evidence that your partner is not going anywhere but you’ll also probably get defensive and clouded when your partner asks what is up with you these days! The result is similar – ruined relationships!
You see, not only would you be unable to see what you and your partner need and want, but you would also end up misinterpreting what is happening around you and taking it personally.
Now since we all come with some or other sort of baggage and are bound to get stuck in similar situations, let’s look at what the cures are that Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller suggest to avoid letting assumptions make our relationships toxic.
The ultimate cure for relationships
Well, since you’re not a mind reader – you wouldn’t know what is going on in their mind. And to not make any assumptions, start talking! Yes, it’s that simple. Let me break it down for you a little more.
Identify what triggers you
Think about the times when you have recently felt overwhelmed and recognise the patterns. What are the common factors in the situations that made you act out? As we discussed, a lot of times the brain recognizes certain patterns and alerts us to be careful. If you’ve been feeling triggered a lot lately and feeling like things just won’t get better for you, you should also give this a read.
What is it that causes your smoke alarms to go off and makes you think your house is burning down, and when all you need to do is switch off the stove and put the burning pot under water?
Clear your head and stay away from protest behaviour
Once the triggers are hit, what follows is a state of feeling overwhelmed and a clouded head. Instead of understanding what the issue is, we start figuring out ways to get attention or refuse to give the attention that our partner is trying to get from us.
If only we were to tell our partner what we need and get them to do the same thing. So try and take control of all your protest behaviour and take a few deep breaths. Assess whether this is a situation where you need to take extreme steps to protect yourself or you could talk it out to resolve it.
Only when you’ve calmed yourself down and you do not feel like you’re in a crisis is when you can see the situation clearly, tell your side of the story and hear your partner.
Everything is not about you
Everyone has their own life to deal with. Maybe she didn’t respond because she was busy with work, maybe he was watching a movie with his friends and thought he’d respond a bit later but forgot about it when they went for dinner after the movie, or maybe your boss had a bad early morning at home or was unwell and didn’t sleep very well last night.
There could be a million reasons for someone else to be irritable, exhausted, and busy that have nothing to do with you. If you still feel like it has everything to do with you, let me give you a simple way out – go and ask!
Stop assuming and start talking
The authors of the book ‘Attached’ say that most of their patients’ relationships have broken up because of the sheer lack of communication. We assume they won’t understand where we’re coming from are too scared to deal with the consequences fall into a blame game or are so caught up in our heads that we can’t see what our partner is going through or feeling.
Ask for what you need in the relationship to help you communicate better and feel safe while talking. Asking for what you need doesn’t make you needy or clingy. It just makes you a simpler person who is not scared to put themselves out there. Start talking and simplify your life!
Keep it simple and straight
Surely, you want to live a simpler life without planning your moves, especially in what should be your haven.
Start working towards it! Please keep it simple, and keep it straightforward. Don’t beat around the bush assuming that your partner won’t understand what you’re trying to say or where you’re coming from. Plus, how long are you going to walk on eggshells?
Creating a secure relationship
- You can start by being clear about everything you need in the relationship, and by being honest about everything that ticks you off and the things that trigger you. Instead of playing games and dancing around the issues, do it as soon as you feel the discomfort without waiting to be angry or resentful about the situation or against your partner.
- Be clear about where you’re coming from and what it makes you feel by naming the feelings and describing everything that goes on in your head when the trigger hits. If it helps, write it down so you’re able to identify these feelings before letting it all out before your partner.
- If you’re feeling any discomfort, don’t assume the problems and others’ situations, just simply ask.
- Once you start feeling secure in a relationship, you’ll see that it’ll also create a secure space for your partner in the relationship. They will also reciprocate by creating a safe space for you and communicating with you about why they behaved the way they did. When that happens, don’t attack or blame, reciprocate by acknowledging and validating.
- Keep it simple and live it through lightly without complicating your safe space because that’s what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like.
If I may sum it up, wear your heart on your sleeve! Yes, you might get hurt but if you never give it a chance by completely opening up, you’ll never know how it feels to fully immerse yourself in your relationship. Give it a real chance!
References
Apart from the linked resources in the article, I’ve also just finished reading the book ‘Attached’, which I would highly recommend to you if you’re looking to understand attachment styles and how they interact with each other. Apart from that, the book also has some exercises to help you determine your attachment style and that of your partners along with a lot of good material on how you can make the most of your relationship.
