In this article, we’ve dived deep into systematic self-improvement techniques to replace victim mentality. We’ve talked about the meaning of victim mentality – what it is and what it’s not, what it means to be a person living with such a mentality, why people develop this mentality and the techniques you can use to improve yourself and come out stronger.
Stop calling yourself a victim. Life is not fair to anyone all the time.
“I have bad days back to back”.
“No one appreciates me at work”.
“Why am I the only one not getting leaves”.
“My friends always ditch me last minute”.
Sounds familiar?
This post is not about trivialising, in any way, the suffering that you and I have gone through. This is also not to tell you to stop feeling negative emotions because we know how important it is not to suppress them.
It’s about the techniques required for replacing the victim ‘mentality’ which, is very different from dealing with being a “victim”.
it is to remind you that you didn’t/don’t deserve to be the victim. You can and will be better and you can use the techniques in this article to equip yourself with the knowledge and tools to navigate through a tough time if you find yourself stuck in the loop of negative thoughts. Thus, systematic improvement techniques to replace the victim mentality.
What is the victim mentality?
Defining Victim Mentality
Mentality is a belief system that forms the core of our value system and in a way, directs our actions in the world and our perspective of our environment. To put it simplistically, it’s how you think about everything.
Victim mentality is considered a personality trait in a person who often finds herself as a victim in her interpersonal relationships with friends, family, colleagues and even strangers. It affects how she feels, thinks and behaves in a situation that she thinks is working against her throughout her life.
Life happens – the good and the bad. But the question is how do you respond to such situations?
Distinguishing Victim Mentality from Victims
This is not about telling the victims to stop being victims because we know some of us have to deal with things that are worse than others. Poverty, war, disease, harassment, hunger, illiteracy is real. Horrible childhoods and abusive relationships are real. Toxic workplaces and bosses are real.
Your suffering and your feelings are very real if you are a victim.
Victim Mentality – not a Choice but a Belief System
If you think you’re someone who reacts like this often, please know this is not to corner you. We know and get it that you weren’t born with this mindset. No one chooses to feel like a victim. But to get yourself out of the cycle and onto better things in life, you need to be able to tell if and why you are a ‘victim’ of the victim mentality and what you can do about it.
“Victim mentality” is often a result of circumstances and experiences because we are not born with any kind of belief system. Belief systems are shaped over time but the good news is you can identify it and change it.
Traits of Victim Mentality: Identify the Symptoms
According to the experts in the field, people with a victim mentality have the following traits that form part of their value system:
Feeling like a Casualty always
being taken advantage of You’re not going to manage to keep your car scratch-free always. You’ll not always get an A+ on your test or performance review. You’re not always going to get your promotions on time. You get what I’m talking about!s
Does your brain instantly lead you into an existential crisis each time this happens? Do you start to question your whole life and the choices you’ve made? Do you find yourself asking – why is this always happening to me? Of course, there are some days when everyone feels like shit. But if this is your predominant thought process whenever something doesn’t go your way, you may be a victim of the victim mentality.
Cynical View of Life
Your general view of life is that it has been bad to date, is bad now and will be bad. Nothing that can improve life no matter what I try. It’s just how my life works. I am the one who needs to work the hardest to get the bare minimum while everyone else around me is enjoying their life.
Inherent Sense of Lacking Control over Circumstances
“No matter what I do, my life is going to be shit. In any case, it’s not my fault that everything is going downhill. There is no point in trying to change because it will not work.” This just happens to be your automatic mental response to any negative situation and you seem to be a slave to this thought process.
Difficulty Taking Responsibilities
This aspect is important because only when you take responsibility, do you acknowledge that you are in charge, not the circumstances. But you find that hard to accept. You genuinely believe that your circumstances or other people need to be better for you to feel better.
Unfair and Unjust Treatment
You feel like everyone is unfair to you – your partner, your boss, your friends, your parents.
Life is unfair, yes. People are unfair, yes. But always? No. But you can’t help feeling this way.
Feeling Envious or Jealous of Others
Because you feel like nothing is going your way, you look at others feeling content and receiving more and wish it could have been you.
You often find yourself thinking –
- I wish I was the boss’s favourite.
- If only I had a car just like she has.
- I’m the one who deserves the raise and not her.
- If only I had that kind of money.
Stuck in the Past
It’s hard to trust that things will get better. In a way, you believe that there is no point in trying to move on. As a result, you ruminate over everything that went wrong instead of trying to move on.
Fear of Being Taken for Granted
Because you’ve been betrayed in the past, it’s difficult to move on. You’re constantly wondering if someone is taking advantage of you every time you have to go out of your way.
Negative Self-Perception
“I’m not good enough.” “I wish I was smart enough to score as much as ABC.” “No one wants to be friends with me”. “She cancelled dinner plans because she thinks she’s better than me”.
All of this when you are good enough, you would have scored better had you planned your time better, you push people away before they get to know you and become your friend, and she cancelled dinner plans because she genuinely fell sick! So, possibly, you lack confidence and have low self-esteem.
Avoidance of Solutions or Help
Since you don’t believe that there are any solutions, you tend to outrightly reject the solutions presented to you. You find yourself telling your solution providers that they don’t understand where you are and how executing what they’re suggesting would not change a thing.
Defensive to Feedback
This is not something you do deliberately. But because you find it hard to trust people around you (we’ve talked more about this later in the article), you’re scared you’ll get taken advantage of. When someone at work offers to help, your brain leads you to believe that they probably need something from you so you act defensive and outrightly say no. And you do this with everyone who you think will be uncooperative towards you.
Let’s also be clear that it’s not possible to maintain a steady healthy mindset throughout. A one-off incident of displaying these traits doesn’t necessarily make you someone with a victim mentality. Since we’re talking about this as a personality trait, we’re talking about these characteristics as a pattern of thinking over time.
Why does anyone develop the victim mentality: Causes
Experts suggest that there may be several reasons why people develop the victim mentality as their way of thinking about life. As I said, no one is born with it so let’s understand the roots and origins of victim mentality.
Difficult Experiences with Trust in Relationships
As independent as you and I would like to be, we know we’re better off living in a community we can call our own and call upon in times of need. ‘Trust’ therefore, forms the core of all relationships and the social fabric of any society.
Imagine if there is a toddler who goes hungry because she doesn’t get food in time, the attention she needs from her primary caregivers, or a happy environment growing up. Her caregivers’ mood is unpredictable and she doesn’t know if the caregivers are going to be available when she needs them.
How is it that should would learn to trust other people in her life? How is she not supposed to believe that she’s on her own and that’s how it will be for the rest of her life? As a way to deal with life, she learns that no one and nothing can help her. Over time, in response to trauma or manipulation in relationships that betray her trust, she may adapt to what we are calling the ‘victim mentality’ and might perceive that the world is about to get her!
Unjust Treatment in the Past
People can be very emotionally immature and unaware. Because of their insecurities, they sometimes mistreat other people and take advantage of them.
If you’ve had to deal with someone similar in the past, it can have a lasting impact on your mindset, making you cautious of trusting others.
Coping with Trauma or Stressful situations
As a response to traumatic situations, we learn to identify threats and avoid them.
Let’s take an example.
You failed an important competitive exam twice. Now you’re scared of failing again in a different competitive environment, so you find all possible explanations justifying why you shouldn’t try and convince yourself against it.
If you don’t try, you won’t succeed but you also won’t fail. Therefore, you won’t have to deal with the aftermath of having failed.
Seeking Validation and Fitting-In
Some experts opine that this may be an unhealthy way to seek validation from others to feel comfort. Or, it may be because people with this mentality are afraid that no matter what you do, you won’t succeed. So this is how you keep the pressure off.
Social and Cultural Factors
Various social and cultural factors contribute to the formation of a victim mindset. For instance, if you grew up in an environment where others were blamed for your actions, you probably never learned to take responsibility for your own life.
Or maybe you grew up in a community that believes that some divine forces want you to suffer and are testing you in such situations.
Symptoms of Other Mental Health Problems
Some also suggest that it may be a symptom of another mental health disorder or issue. In this case, professional help is a must to help you replace the victim mentality.
Impact of Victim Mentality: Consequences
Having a victim mindset is mentally exhausting and spills into every aspect of your life.
Effects on Mental Health
It’s not an easy ride being someone with a victim mentality. On a long-term basis, you can get stuck in a cycle of constant anxiety and inadequacy resulting in low self-esteem. It can take a real toll on your mental health.
Distorted Personal Growth
Since this mentality leads you to reject solutions, it can make you feel completely powerless and hopeless about your circumstances.
Impact on Relationships
As a person who fears trusting people, it’s hard to find and maintain meaningful relationships.
Because you fear being taken for granted, you don’t know how to let people in. As a result, you unconsciously end up pushing people away and isolating yourself. This can leave you stuck in a cycle of pushing people away and at the same time, feeling abandoned by them.
Issues at Workplace and Impact on Professional Growth
If you’re working with someone who is constantly unhappy about taking on work as a team, covering for you even though you did their work when they were away, cribbing and acting like they do all the work while everyone else sits free, you would get frustrated.
Unknowingly, persons with a victim mentality do exactly this. Without realising, they let their insecurities and biases get in the way of their abilities to gel with their teammates and work with them.
But like I said, this doesn’t have to be your life.
Systematic Self-Improvement Techniques to Replace Victim Mentality
So let’s focus on replacing the victim mentality with a growth mindset by following simple and systematic self-improvement techniques.
Become more Self-Aware
Importance of Self-Reflection
If you’ve been reading some of my articles, you already know that I highly recommend journaling to stay in touch with your feelings. I’ve been journaling for a few months now.
Besides the obvious benefit of allowing you to empty your thought vessel, it also helps you identify patterns in your behaviour and find out your triggers.
Questions to explore patterns and triggers
- To explore this personality trait, you can start by delving into these questions:
- Do you have a victim mentality?
- Where did you get this from?
- What aspects of your personal and professional life are affected by it and how?
- Finally and most importantly, how can you apply the techniques we’ll discuss to your daily life to start living a happier life?
Live Consciously and Reframe Situations
Change how you respond to situations
You cannot control external circumstances but you can regulate how you respond to these situations. Start by writing down your response to the occurrences and noticing the negative and self-destructive narrative. Think about how you could’ve responded instead.
If your friend didn’t pick up the call, the chances that your friend was busy are much higher than the friend deliberately ignoring you for not liking you. If your boss yelled at the team, work on not taking this personally.
Take accountability for your actions and mindset
Take responsibility for all the good and the bad – because unless you do, you will not register that you can drive your life in the way you want to.
Train your Brain to Think Happy Thinking Patterns
I’m sure you’ve heard someone or the other rave about how manifestation changed their life or have had someone recommend books on positive thinking at some point in your life. What if I told you that all of these people are not lying and that there is evidence that positive thinking can change our lives for the better?
Positive thinking a way of life
A study was conducted on a group of 100 adults who attended weekly sessions on positive thinking, journaled as instructed to self-reflect and change thinking patterns reported that their lives were better after 8 weeks of the sessions. The study concludes “Positive thinking and interventions can increase older adults’ resilience, and thereby improve their quality of life. High quality of life can lead to greater life satisfaction. In addition, positive psychological training can directly contribute to positive and healthy thinking, ultimately leading to a better dynamic life for older adults.”
Even if you think this is practically impossible and there may be other factors involved, or that it was simply a placebo effect they experienced. Isn’t it worth a chance?
Habits to recover from the victim mentality
All in all, it’ll probably take 15 minutes of your day and all you need is somewhere to jot down your thoughts to eventually do the following:
- Stop thinking about the past
- Stop blaming the past for your present
- Stop assuming in your relationships
- Not pin responsibility on others for your feelings or actions
- Take control of your life
- Be grateful for your life and the people around you
- Have healthy boundaries
Get Rid of the Negativity in Your Life
I know this is not as simple as it sounds. But I do mean it.
Discard all the negativity around you and surround yourself with positive people who are happy for you and grateful for you. You don’t need anything pulling you down in life including self-pity. You are who you are because of your experiences.
Stick to the positive people and the patterns
Challenge the negative thought patterns and everything/everyone that reinforces the pessimistic narrative. Over time, you’ll find yourself thinking thoughts with positive implications and developing a more proactive and growth mindset that will get you closer to living the life you want to live.
Pro tip – Set out and read affirmations in the morning daily to get a headstart on your day.
Be Kind and Compassionate towards Yourself
This may be hard initially, but I promise it gets easier with time.
Empower yourself by improving your self-perception
Stop blaming, cursing or negatively thinking about yourself. There should be no space for this in your life. Because you’re good enough and you’re adequate! You are lovable and you deserve to be happy in life.
Be mindful of your view of your life and circumstances
Be mindful of how you view yourself and think about your actions in interpersonal relationships and at work. The simplest way to do this is to write down the negative thoughts, understand where they’re coming from and remind yourself that they are completely untrue because there is so much in your life you’re proud of and grateful for.
Encourage Yourself to Find Solutions
Shift focus to problem-solving
I’m sure this is not the first time that life has not gone your way. You’ve found your way out of it before and you can do it again this time. Consciously drive yourself to find solutions to problems and be more accepting of the solutions.
Don’t resist solutions
It may feel like the proposed solution is useless or will lead to another 10 problems you’ll have to deal with. But honestly, you’re still going to have a problem to deal with in any case so what’s the harm in trying a solution? You just don’t know till you try!
Empathise with Others
Just like you, maybe the other person who has wronged you is also dealing with their demons. Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand the feelings underlying their actions.
Maybe they aren’t deliberately cancelling on you, ignoring your phone calls, leaving you out of plans or getting angry with you. For all you know, you’d have reacted in the same way as them.
Forgive the Well-Intentioned
No one is perfect. No one is infallible.
Especially in long-term relationships, the chances of getting hurt are higher because you expect the other person to care for you just like you care for you. Before jumping to conclusions about them not responding to you on time, or cancelling the work plans last minute to hurt you, talk clearly with them and ask what happened.
You’d be surprised how often our preconceived notions affect our judgment of why someone is behaving in a particular manner when in reality, it has nothing to do with us.
Work on a Mindset Shift
Here are a few quick actionable prompts to get you started with this exercise –
- Was there anything that made me question myself today?
- Can I label all the feelings I felt when it happened? What are those?
- How did I react to that situation?
- When was the last time I reacted the same way? Was the situation similar?
- If I were to re-frame the situation, how would I do that?
- How would I respond to a similar situation the next time?
- What is it that I am grateful for?
Get in touch with a therapist or a coach
Self-help is a great first step but nothing can replace the experience and guidance of a professional who has specifically trained for years for dealing with situations like this.
It can help make the process more organised and speed it up. Don’t think twice before going down this route.
Tips for staying consistent the self-improvement techniques
Start by doing one thing today – journalling for two minutes on the mobile/desktop you’re reading this article.
You can have the life you want and live each day happily and peacefully. It’s not impossible. Millions have done it and changed their lives for the better and you can be one of them. Just two minutes of your time starting right now!
Soon, you’ll start noticing small changes – learning to say yes without fear of being taken for granted, understanding when a friend cancels their plans because they’re busy, building better relationships at home and work and growing personally and professionally.
Final thoughts
- You don’t have to live with a victim mentality.
- You can live the life you want – stay happy and consistent with the small steps you take.
- Journalling is a real pro tip. Self-reflection can help you drive the mindset changes and shifts in the direction you’d like.
- The key is to shift the mindset to be open to solutions and look for a positive angle in situations wherever possible.
- Work on your self-esteem. Download our free Workbook and spend 10 minutes every single day.
Here you go! Don’t forget to subscribe to the newsletter for more on living conscious lives 🙂
