Being a pathalogical people pleaser means that you’re the kind of person who unreasonably goes out of your way to win others’ approval at the expense of their needs and wishes and have no control over this trait. You can’t help saying yes to anything and everything asked of them no matter the cost.
In this article, we talk about everything important to help you understand what it means to be a patahlogical people pleaser, how it affects them and helps the others, why we do it and how to save yourself from it!
Table of Contents
The Difference between Healthy People Pleasing and Pathological Behaviour
We all know what a people pleaser is. Or should I say who? No, I don’t mean YOU! Don’t feel so attacked. But well, let’s face it, you have landed on this page, so something must have made you want to read this post. 🙂
But who doesn’t enjoy being liked by people around, getting their validation, and avoiding the tensions and confrontations of living a conflict-free life? It’s good to have peace inside and outside.
And honestly, it’s also not such a bad thing to please the people around you who matter to you and do so much to please you. It has a ripple effect, pleasing them pleases you – there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! This is simply healthy helping behaviour.
Signs You Might be a Pathological People Pleaser
If you’re still wondering whether this post is for you, let me help you out with the characteristics of pathological people pleasers:
You apprehend others’ needs before your own
Often, you find yourself being called the ‘giver’ or the ‘mother’ figure of your friends’ group, leaving the few chairs for others to sit on while you stand, giving up the last piece of cake for someone else to relish, volunteering to help someone who is overworked even though you don’t receive any such reciprocation and have a long to-do list of your own, giving up on your leave so someone else can go for a vacation even when you haven’t taken a vacation all year round.
And more often, this is not something you need to think about and decide.
This happens so naturally as you see right through their needs and find yourself fulfilling all of them without thinking about how you may need to sit down as well, share the last piece of cake or finish the tasks off your to-do list before volunteering to chip in for others.
You struggle with disagreeing with people or saying no
The discomfort you feel is unexplainable when you have to tell people that you don’t agree with them even when you’re sure that you’re right.
Having trouble saying no to people is one thing, you barely know how to say no to them. And when you do finally say ‘no’, you lose sleep at night because the guilt is so consuming.
You over-explain and constantly apologise for small things
Everything is a big deal and an emotional event for you even though it may not be as important for someone else. As a result, you become a lot more invested than the other person and saying no is, therefore, extremely hard.
So you tend to leave long messages when it’s just not possible for you to comply with others’ demands and wishes, and overcompensate for simply doing what you need to do for yourself.
You’ll do anything to avoid conflict
No one likes to fight their way around. Don’t we already have tons to use all of our mental energy on?! But for a people pleaser, it is easier to let it go even if the ‘it’ is worth fighting over.
And if you find the courage to take a strong stand that leads you into conflict, God help you because you will go to ANY lengths to fix it!
Your actions are all motivated by what others think
It’s one thing to present yourself well in any setting but you over-stretch yourself to the extent that you’re constantly thinking about how everyone else will think. It seems that most of your actions are driven by a need to ensure they don’t get mad at you or feel bad.
Your brain gives you practically no space to think and understand that the other person is not expecting unreasonable efforts from you ALL the time. And if they are, are they worth it?
You struggle to control the extent you’ll go to to please people
Most importantly, even though you know you’re a people pleaser, you feel helpless and continue to be a people pleaser. You seem to have no control over it. That’s when you know you’ve turned from the general to the pathological one. Over time, it tends to leave you exhausted and empty.
But worry not, this is not it!
Before we rush into how to fix it, let’s try and figure out why it is so hard for a pleaser to stop pleasing and what causes it because people pleasing may be a symptom of a larger issue you’re dealing with.
Why do people become pathological pleasers?
We’re all a product of our experiences and circumstances. This is no different. There are a ton of psychological studies that try to explain why this happens and it feels like it is out of our control.
It’s a trauma response
Fight, flight and freeze are already well-known trauma responses. Well, this – people pleasing is another way that people use to cope (i.e., respond to trauma) when they find themselves stuck in a conflict situation way too often.
For instance, if a child has grown up with a parent who lost their shit too often, the child learned that the only way to keep peace was to comply to avoid conflict because complying is what calms the parent down and resolves the situation. People pleasing, therefore, helped them feel more grounded and safe in the relationship. Eventually, the child just forgot that she had any needs of her own and started acting like an adult during her childhood. Sadly, the child never had the chance to learn otherwise and also grew up to be the same adult who believes this is how peaceful relationships work.
It’s just what the society taught them
Often, the child is taught early on to do what is expected of them – always be the good boy or the good girl who did everything by the book. It’s socialisation engrained in the child!
A similar effect also follows when a child is excessively criticized for being childish, bullied at school for not socially fitting in, or burdened with unrealistic expectations by the people around.
Such children often end up learning that to stay happy in life, the child would have to continue to please people in their life with no end to it. As the child grew, she learned that this is how relationships in life work – by meeting all the expectations, living submissively, and sacrificing themselves in their relationships i.e., by fawning.
It can be a coping mechanism for low self-esteem
You’d be surprised to know that a study showed that people who were sexually abused as children used fawning the abuser to learn to cope with their circumstances. They learned to give in to the expectations and desires of their abusers in return for temporary safety at the moment.
The study found that this trait they learned to feel safe, even if temporary, didn’t leave them when they transitioned into adulthood. They continue to believe and accordingly, behave as if they need to give up their own needs for the others’ needs.
It can be a reaction to fear of rejection
A lot of the people-pleasing stems from low self-esteem and fear of being rejected by people around. If you are a people pleaser, you can imagine how it feels to be around people who you’ve disagreed with or when they don’t validate your actions.
This results in the people pleasers going out of their way to gain acceptance from others at the expense of their self-worth and confidence.
Effects of being a pathological people pleaser
Mental and emotional toll on people pleasers
People pleasing is taxing. It is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausting.
Yet, pathological people pleasers make the best workplace employees and fulfilling partners at home. While that is definitely good, what will also help is taking a break for yourself and being able to say no without thinking too hard about the consequences all the time.
Dissatisfaction in relationships
Giving too much and not getting as much in return leaves the pleasers dissatisfied with their lives. These are the people who give too much in all aspects of their lives including relationships and work and feel neglected because the takers don’t give as much back.
Resentment towards others
It can leave you feeling exhausted, unable to give to others and yourself, angry when people take advantage and resentful because many others easily say ‘no’ and get out of difficult situations. Still, you are not able to do the same.
Difficulty implementing boundaries
More often, it may not be the taker’s fault. Don’t get me wrong, nothing (absolutely nothing) excuses horrible behaviour. But that’s not what we’re talking about. We’re talking about the ability to say no when you need to. It simply means that the no-sayer has healthy boundaries and can be a great example for you to learn how to say ‘no!
Impact on mental health and emotional well-being
Being a pathological people-pleaser can be draining, both physically and mentally.
This dissatisfaction, anger, resentment, neglect, and non-fulfilment of needs arising from being a pathological people pleaser may also be linked with depression, according to some experts.
Prone to burnouts
On the work front, these are the people who spend all their time at work, don’t take any leaves, or offer to work overtime and spend their nights in the office pleasing the people around them. It’s a sure-shot method to throw yourself into burnout.
The concept of work-life balance doesn’t exist in their vocabulary.
Makes sense right? How long will they sustain a lifestyle without eating routines and sleepless nights? Your brain, mind and body will give up at some point if you ignore all the red flags.
How to Stop Being a Pathalogical People Pleaser and Regain Control
Well, you know, we can’t change the past but we do have a choice about our future. We can choose a better future for ourselves by investing in our present. So this is how you can start working on it:
Identify the origin of your behaviour
It takes a lot of effort to dig into your past and a lot of courage to process all of the emotions that you suppressed back then. Whether it is doing what you need or want to do, taking a stand for yourself, standing up to the bullies, or dealing with a pushover at home, you can do all of that now.
You know it’s not the same situation anymore. You’ve grown as a person and can identify when the people-pleasing is kicking in and take a step back.
Take a minute to think before you respond to someone’s need at your expense and ensure it’s coming from a place of love and care that the receiver also reciprocates. Train to live in the moment.
If this is hard to figure out on your own or the people pleasing is resulting in emotions that always seem hard to deal with, please (I cannot stress this enough) get help from a professional.
Take the time and make the effort to stay in touch with your needs
If you’ve been a people pleaser, you’ve probably learned to ignore your needs over time. That’s not fair – not to you and not to the person who needs to know the healthy expectations you have to meet those expectations. Cut out the clutter from your life so you can start focusing on creating the life that you want to live.
Pro tip – You can start by journaling about your daily life and taking time to ponder over your feelings. Was there anything that made you feel out of place or uneasy? Anything that you didn’t want to do instantly but did anyway? What could you have done differently in that situation to identify your uneasiness and say no? If you didn’t say no in the first go, how is it that you can say no to them now?
Use this to help yourself to learn how you can do better the next time.
Learn to trust yourself and your choices
Generally, people pleasers are always looking for validation for everything they do. Validation is good of course, but wouldn’t it be better to be able to be so sure of yourself that even if someone doesn’t agree with your course of action, you don’t start doubting ALL of your life decisions
It will be harder at first but believe me, it will get easier with time. Start slow but start somewhere.
Learn to speak your mind
It’s so much easier to simply speak your mind instead of working hard to suppress everything you can think of.
No surprise there, but you are probably going to lose sleep the day you do it for the first time. But don’t you worry, it’s going to reduce over time.
You can’t pretend to be happy forever! Like I said, it’s better to deal with the aftermath of speaking your truth than living in a cage for the rest of your life. Staying authentic is the only way in the long run.
Confront the discomfort of saying no
I promise you, the fifth time that you say no, you will relish this discomfort over the resentment, anger and abandonment you would have felt had you said yes. Sometimes, it’s better to fight that fight and lose your sleep instead of losing your sleep after not having fought that fight.
Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need
Often, because we’re so blinded by our emotions and feelings, we tend to assume that people will fail to understand whatever it is we need from them. But would they really? You’ll just never know till you try.
And if they don’t then, are these the people you want to be pleasing and going out of your way for?
Tips for Creating a Balanced Life as a Recovering People Pleaser from a Recovering People Pleaser
Build mental strength
It’s all not going to happen overnight. It’s going to take time but start by reminding yourself that you matter! Remind yourself of this every single day till it becomes your life’s motto.
There will be times when you feel that none of these exercises are helping and are pure gibberish. But give it a couple of months. Take your time and mentally prepare yourself to deal with the guilt of saying no and the journey of learning how to handle disappointment when you say no.
Prioritise yourself
You have to be your number-one priority. If you don’t put on your oxygen mask first, you’ll never get around to helping anyone else with putting on theirs even if if that other person is your loved one.
Learn to prioritise yourself and take active self-care steps to do the things you enjoy, cherish your hobbies and stay in touch with your core.
Deal with guilt
Yes, there will be guilt especially in the beginning. Make a system to deal with it.
Every time you feel guilty, take your journal and write down your thoughts on it. Remind yourself of the reason why you said no and what that means for you in your recovery.
Do whatever helps you deal with it. Needless to say, we’re talking of the healthy ways only! 🙂
Give but don’t overextend
No, don’t stop yourself from going out of the way for other people. As I said, sometimes when you please the people who please you, you’re also quite pleased at the moment. But the goal is to not go overboard so you can focus on the more important things and people (YOU are the ‘people’). It’s all about balance!
Final thoughts
People pleasing is an exhausting trait. It’s not going to be easy to reclaim your life but it’s definitely going to be worth it.
Don’t start all at once. Start small and take it from there. Say no to just one thing you don’t want to do and feel overextended even thinking about it. Deal with the guilt of saying no and remind yourself of why you needed to do it for yourself.
All in all – Let your guard down but have your boundaries up! And carry them with pride.
