Let me start this post by clarifying what we’re NOT discussing here when we talk about systematic self-improvement techniques to replace victim mentality.
This is not about telling the victims to stop being victims because we know some of us have to deal with things that are worse than others. Poverty, war, disease, harassment, hunger, illiteracy is real. Horrible childhoods and abusive relationships are real. Toxic workplaces and bosses are real. Your suffering and your feelings are very real if you are a victim. In which case, the contents of this article do not apply to you and you can move on to the next tab!
This post is about “victim mentality”, dealing with which, I want to reiterate, is very different from dealing with being a “victim”. Again, “victim mentality” is also often a result of circumstances and experiences because we are not born with any kind of belief system. Belief systems are shaped over time. So no, this post is not about trivialising, in any way, the suffering that you and I have gone through. This is also not to tell you to stop feeling negative emotions because we know how important it is not to suppress them.
This post is coming from a very different place. This article reminds you that you didn’t/don’t deserve to be the victim. You can and will be better. This post is about equipping ourselves with the knowledge and tools to navigate through a tough time if you find yourself stuck in the loop of negative thoughts.
Now that we’re clear on what this post is not about, let’s get to the topic.
Table of Contents
What is the victim mentality?
Mentality is a belief system that forms the core of our value system and in a way, directs our actions in the world and our perspective of our environment. To put it simplistically, it’s how you think about everything.
Victim mentality is considered a personality trait in a person who often finds herself as a victim in her interpersonal relationships with friends, family, colleagues and even strangers. It affects how she feels, thinks and behaves in a situation that she thinks is working against her throughout her life.
Life is not always fair. All of your days are not going to be happy. You’re not always appreciated at work. Your friends don’t always manage to make time for get-togethers. Your partner will not always leave her office to make it in time for dinner. You’re not going to manage to keep your car scratch-free always. You’ll not always get an A+ on your test or performance review. You’re not always going to get your promotions on time. You get what I’m talking about!
Life happens – the good and the bad. But the question is how do you respond to such situations?
How does someone with a victim mentality respond to situations?
Does your brain instantly lead you into an existential crisis each time this happens? Do you start to question your whole life and the choices you’ve made? Do you find yourself asking – why is this always happening to me? Of course, there are some days when everyone feels like shit. But if this is your predominant thought process whenever something doesn’t go your way, you may be a victim of the victim mentality.
If you think you’re someone who reacts like this often, please know this is not to corner you. We know and get it that you weren’t born with this mindset. No one chooses to feel like a victim. But to get yourself out of the cycle and onto better things in life, you need to be able to tell if and why you are a ‘victim’ of the victim mentality and what you can do about it.
How to identify if you have a victim mentality
According to the experts in the field, people with a victim mentality have the following traits that form part of their value system:
- Cynical view of life
Your general view of life is that it has been bad to date, is bad now and will be bad. Nothing that can improve life no matter what I try. It’s just how my life works. I am the one who needs to work the hardest to get the bare minimum while everyone else around me is enjoying their life.
- Lack of control
“No matter what I do, my life is going to be shit. In any case, it’s not my fault that everything is going downhill. There is no point in trying to change because it will not work.” This just happens to be your automatic mental response to any negative situation and you seem to be a slave to this thought process.
- Difficulty taking responsibility
This aspect is important because only when you take responsibility, do you acknowledge that you are in charge, not the circumstances. But you find that hard to accept. You genuinely believe that your circumstances or other people need to be better for you to feel better.
- Negative view of self
“I’m not good enough.” “I wish I was smart enough to score as much as ABC.” “No one wants to be friends with me”. “She cancelled dinner plans because she thinks she’s better than me”. All of this when you are good enough, you would have scored better had you planned your time better, you push people away before they get to know you and become your friend, and she cancelled dinner plans because she genuinely fell sick! So, possibly, you lack confidence and have low self-esteem.
- Rejecting feedback or solutions
Since you don’t believe that there are any solutions, you tend to outrightly reject the solutions presented to you. You find yourself telling your solution providers that they don’t understand where you are and how executing what they’re suggesting would not change a thing.
- Defensive about yourself
This is not something you do deliberately. But because you find it hard to trust people around you (we’ve talked more about this later in the article), you’re scared you’ll get taken advantage of. When someone at work offers to help, your brain leads you to believe that they probably need something from you so you act defensive and outrightly say no. And you do this with everyone who you think will be uncooperative towards you.
Let’s also be clear that it’s not possible to maintain a steady healthy mindset throughout. A one-off incident of displaying these traits doesn’t necessarily make you someone with a victim mentality. Since we’re talking about this as a personality trait, we’re talking about these characteristics as a pattern of thinking over time.
Why does anyone develop the victim mentality?
Experts suggest that there may be several reasons why people develop the victim mentality as their way of thinking about life. As I said, no one is born with it so let’s understand the roots and origins of victim mentality.
Difficult experiences with trust in relationships
As independent as you and I would like to be, we know we’re better off living in a community we can call our own and call upon in times of need. ‘Trust’ therefore, forms the core of all relationships and the social fabric of any society.
Imagine if there is a toddler who goes hungry because she doesn’t get food in time, the attention she needs from her primary caregivers, or a happy environment growing up. Her caregivers’ mood is unpredictable and she doesn’t know if the caregivers are going to be available when she needs them.
How is it that should would learn to trust other people in her life? How is she not supposed to believe that she’s on her own and that’s how it will be for the rest of her life? As a way to deal with life, she learns that no one and nothing can help her. Over time, in response to trauma or manipulation in relationships that betray her trust, she may adapt to what we are calling the ‘victim mentality’ and might perceive that the world is about to get her!
Seeking validation and fitting in
Some experts opine that this may be an unhealthy way to seek validation from others to feel comfort. Or, it may be because people with this mentality are afraid that no matter what you do, you won’t succeed. So this is how you keep the pressure off.
Social and cultural factors
Various social and cultural factors contribute to the formation of a victim mindset. For instance, if you grew up in an environment where others were blamed for your actions, you probably never learned to take responsibility for your own life. Or maybe you grew up in a community that believes that some divine forces want you to suffer and are testing you in such situations.
Symptoms of another mental health problem
Some also suggest that it may be a symptom of another mental health disorder or issue. In this case, professional help is a must to help you replace the victim mentality.
Systematic Self-Improvement Techniques to Replace Victim Mentality
It’s not an easy ride being someone with a victim mentality. It is mentally draining and even physically exhausting which is a cause for constant frustration, resentment, and feeling of helplessness. It has a damaging impact on your personal growth and takes a toll on your mental health.
So let’s focus on replacing the victim mentality with a growth mindset by following simple and systematic self-improvement techniques.
Understanding yourself better
If you’ve been reading some of my articles, you already know that I highly recommend journaling to stay in touch with yourself.
To explore this personality trait, you can start by delving into these questions: Do you have a victim mentality? Where did you get this from? What aspects of your personal and professional life are affected by it and how? Finally and most importantly, how can you apply the techniques we’ll discuss to your daily life to start living a happier life?
Live consciously and reframe situations
You cannot control external circumstances but you can regulate how you respond to these situations. Start by writing down your response to the occurrences and noticing the negative and self-destructive narrative. Think about how you could’ve responded instead. Take responsibility for all the good and the bad – because unless you do, you will not register that you can drive your life in the way you want to.
If your friend didn’t pick up the call, the chances that your friend was busy are much higher than the friend deliberately ignoring you for not liking you. If your boss yelled at the team, work on not taking this personally.
Train your brain to think happy thinking patterns
I’m sure you’ve heard someone or the other rave about how manifestation changed their life or have had someone recommend books on positive thinking at some point in your life. What if I told you that all of these people are not lying and that there is evidence that positive thinking can change our lives for the better?
A study was conducted on a group of 100 adults who attended weekly sessions on positive thinking, journaled as instructed to self-reflect and change thinking patterns reported that their lives were better after 8 weeks of the sessions. The study concludes “Positive thinking and interventions can increase older adults’ resilience, and thereby improve their quality of life. High quality of life can lead to greater life satisfaction. In addition, positive psychological training can directly contribute to positive and healthy thinking, ultimately leading to a better dynamic life for older adults.”
Even if you think this is practically impossible and there may be other factors involved, or that it was simply a placebo effect they experienced. Isn’t it worth a chance? All in all, it’ll probably take 15 minutes of your day and all you need is somewhere to jot down your thoughts to eventually do the following:
- Stop thinking about the past
- Stop blaming the past for your present
- Stop assuming in your relationships
- Not pin responsibility on others for your feelings or actions
- Take control of your life
- Be grateful for your life and the people around you
- Have healthy boundaries
Get rid of everything negative
This sounds technical but is as simple as it sounds. Discard all the negativity around you and surround yourself with positive people who are happy for you and grateful for you. You don’t need anything pulling you down in life including self-pity. You are who you are because of your experiences.
Challenge the negative thought patterns and everything/everyone that reinforces the pessimistic narrative. Over time, you’ll find yourself thinking thoughts with positive implications and developing a more proactive and growth mindset that will get you closer to living the life you want to live.
Pro tip – Set out and read affirmations in the morning daily to get a headstart on your day.
Be kind to yourself
This may be hard initially, but I promise it gets easier with time. Stop blaming, cursing or negatively thinking about yourself. There should be no space for this in your life. Because you’re good enough and you’re adequate! You are lovable and you deserve to be happy in life.
Be mindful of how you view yourself and think about your actions in interpersonal relationships and at work. The simplest way to do this is to write down the negative thoughts, understand where they’re coming from and remind yourself that they are completely untrue because there is so much in your life you’re proud of and grateful for.
Encourage yourself to find solutions
I’m sure this is not the first time that life has not gone your way. You’ve found your way out of it before and you can do it again this time. Consciously drive yourself to find solutions to problems and be more accepting of the solutions.
It may feel like the proposed solution is useless or will lead to another 10 problems you’ll have to deal with. But honestly, you’re still going to have a problem to deal with in any case so what’s the harm in trying a solution? You just don’t know till you try!
Journaling prompts to get you started
Here are a few quick journaling prompts to get you started with this exercise –
- Was there anything that made me question myself today?
- Can I label all the feelings I felt when it happened? What are those?
- How did I react to that situation?
- When was the last time I reacted the same way? Was the situation similar?
- If I were to re-frame the situation, how would I do that?
- How would I respond to a similar situation the next time?
- What is it that I am grateful for?
Start by doing one thing today – journalling for two minutes on the mobile/desktop you’re reading this article. You can have the life you want and live each day happily and peacefully. It’s not impossible. Millions have done it and changed their lives for the better and you can be one of them. Just two minutes of your time starting right now!
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