A friend of mine recently asked me the question that cuts through human psychology.
A question that digs deep into the idea of healing and finding a version of yourself that can handle ANYTHING.
A version that is not held back or tied up in itself. A version that can see everything clearly without the shade of biases or their own schemas.
It was at the lunch table, in the middle of some 50+ people around where I told her of my new read ‘Good Morning, Monster’ by Catherine Gildiner.
I had just finished narrating the first story in the book to her. It was about Laura, who was about nine when her alcoholic dad had to run away because the people he owed money to wouldn’t leave him alone.
Not to say he was a bad guy, the circumstances were such that he had no other option but to leave her incharge of her two younger siblings.
In fact, he cared about his kids so much that he came back a few years later to find that the kids were being taken care of by their neighbours.
He missed dropping them off to school, preparing them lunches, taking them out fishing, so he took them along with him and his new wife, their to-be step-mother.
He was generally a good dad, she told her therapist. He did all he could.
Cut to today, she was living a seemingly successful life. She had a great job, had friends and a long-term stable relationship. But there was one issue.
Her partner had given her an STD, which he picked up from another woman who he was seeing. But you know, it wasn’t as bad as it sounded because it was a manageable one.
Plus, the doctor said herpes was actually pretty common than most people know. The flare-ups happen sometimes but it’s all under control, usually.
It was a different thing he didn’t have the STD when they started dating and later, even when he found out about the STD, he didn’t tell her about it. But may be he just forgot. Because he’s generally a good partner to her.
Anyway, the doctor said that sometimes, it’s not under enough control and even modern medicines don’t help because the patient is too stressed out. Just like in her case, the doctors then refer the patients to therapists.
Now of course, when she started therapy, she pushed and told the therapist that she was a lucky girl who survived everything, had a great job and a long-term stable relationship.
But in any case, the therapist had to do her job. So, at some point during the sessions, like all therapists, this one too asked, “how was it at home?”, “who all lived at home when you were a kid?”, “what was it like”?
Right at this point, my friend asked her million dollar question.
We’re all not living hunky dory lives at all times. This was a woman in her 30s who had issues like all of us do in our lives. There are ups and downs. There are days and periods when we are extremely stressed out and periods when we’re not.
How is all of this supposed to help the situation? It’s not like talking about the unfortunate past is going to fix everything today.
If you’ve been reading the newsletters, I always make a special mention of past experiences especially during childhood.
Whether it’s issues related to the anger, abandonment, co-dependency, commitment, trust issues, lack of self-esteem, people pleasing. So why do we insist on delving into the childhood so much?
I mean, think about Laura.
Why put her through the torment of knowing that her father, who was supposed to take care of you, nurture her and protect her was so self-occupied that he couldn’t see anything else?
How painful would it be for her to face that he neglected her and left her incharge of two younger siblings, whom she fed (with stolen food) and took care of, till the neighbours found out and took them under their care?
I know this is an extreme example even though this is a true story.
And I know this is harsh. I know it’s painful because it’ll bring back all the memories and emotions you’ve spent years covering up.
I also know that sometimes parents have their own shit to deal with. They’ve got to put food on the table. And it won’t help today to blame them for what happened years ago.
But this exercise is not about blaming them. More so, it’s about acknowledging that they’re human and so are you. It doesn’t make them bad people. It’s accepting that life happens.
It’s about taking charge, taking back in control of the real situation instead of lying to yourself about your so-called great life. It takes patience and grit to sit through the pain and anger.
You might even question why you’re so ungrateful to your parents, who despite their own shit, also faced their own share of hell?
But then, after the pain and the anger, there will come a time when you’ll understand that this new acquired (or shall I say, old but accepted?) knowledge will set you free from the weight of the emotions you’ve been working so hard to keep under the sheets.
It will help you heal and become more regulated. You will understand your triggers, be able to safeguard yourself against them and at some level, accept and love your parents for who they truly instead of loving a version of them that you cooked up in your head.
You’ll know the situation and guide your brain to handle it accordingly instead of telling it to put up a constant and tiring facade that everything is fine, when you bloody well know it isn’t.
You will see the present as it is. You’ll stop putting up with shit just like Laura, take control of your life, meet someone who truly deserves you and get a promotion at work because you will no longer be in your own way.
Recognizing your parents’ humanity doesn’t diminish your worth or invalidate your experiences. At the same time, accepting the past as it is doesn’t make them bad people.
It takes immense courage to acknowledge their limitations while committing to your own healing. They are human—and so are you.
I hope this acts as a nudge for you to self-reflect and break your patterns to get out of your own way. You deserve to live the life of your dreams. All power to you!
Love,
Jasleen
