Can we discuss emotional vulnerability?
Sitting on my couch at 8:30 p.m., fresh from reading a chapter on emotional regulation in my psychology course work, I was scrolling through YouTube and came across an interview with an Indian actor.
The interviewer asked her, are you ever insecure about your partner?
She smiled and said, not at all. We’re different individuals. Even if I don’t like someone, he can still talk to them—as long as we communicate openly.
Fair enough, I thought. Maybe she’s a secure person in her relationships.
But then came a bigger question.
“Have you ever felt insecure in life?”
Not just in love—in life. Career, friendships, family.
Her answer? “Never.”
Really now? never?
The Myth of Never Feeling Insecure
This actress is not a child. She’s well into her 30s.
She has a full blown career in a field where every move she makes is broken down and overanalysed.
From her date nights, dinners with friends and family to appearances after heartbreaks and attires at funerals, everything is the talk of the town.
Has she truly never felt insecure? Or does she think admitting that sometimes, even if rarely, a small part of her craves for comfort?
Is she scared that if she talks about her ups and downs in her life, however rarely, she’ll be taken for a ride?
You’re probably thinking, because Jasleen, it’s a social media platform. If she admits that she is also insecure sometimes, she’ll feel bared and unguarded.
Everyone would not be as nice as we think. People will take advantage of her insecurities.
But let me explain why she’s looking at it all wrong.
What is emotional vulnerability?
The ability to be vulnerable, when you need support, shows:
- You’re secure about your feelings;
- You trust your emotions instead of suppressing them;
- You are resilient and not scared of judgement;
- You know that your needs deserve to be met;
- You believe that your strongest relationships can handle your truth and will fulfil your needs; and
- You know when to ask for help.
Why Hiding Vulnerability Is a Mistake?
You see, vulnerability isn’t about being defenceless, over-dependent or unsure of yourself.
It’s about being courageous and secure enough to be seen as who you really are, permitting yourself to express your true feelings to the ones you trust and creating relationships that you can fall back on.
The Power of Authentic Self-Expression
When you do that, you’re no longer carrying the weight of it all by yourself.
And if someone thinks they can use it against you, your strength reflected in your comfort of sharing is enough to keep them at bay.
You know you talk about the insecurities because they can’t get to you through them.
You’re not handing them a weapon. You’re taking it away from them.
This isn’t just motivational fluff.
This is what 6 years of researching and studying the human behaviour of thousands revealed.
While interviewing people for a completely different research project, she noticed that people who were vulnerable were living truly “wholesome” lives. This researcher went on to call vulnerability the birth-place of joy, creativity, belonging and love.
Who doesn’t want joy, creativity, belonging and love in their lives?
Need I say more?
Five Actionable Steps to Embracing Emotional Vulnerability in Relationships
This is how you can learn to be vulnerable in relationships:
1/ Acknowledge the discomfort
Start small. You don’t have to unfurl your childhood secrets all in one go. You just have to admit what’s making you uncomfortable.
2/ Create your inner circle
Not everything needs to be shared with everybody. There will be some people in your life whose core values will strike a chord with yours. These are the people who support you and enjoy your trust.
3/ Permit yourself to be seen
If you’re invalidating your experiences or undercutting your feelings, it doesn’t count.
Be honest but polite if you’re talking about issues that might be triggering for others too. If you want someone to understand you, you need to learn their language.
4/ Accept your imperfections
Nothing is perfect. In fact, what is perfect is also subjective. You can’t spend your whole life chasing something that is so fluid and practically impossible.
It’s okay to make mistakes. Don’t take everything too seriously. Be a gold fish—feel your failures for sometime but move on. You’ve got so much more ahead of you.
5/ Be open to others vulnerabilities
Just like you, others are also not perfect. Tap into the environment in the room before giving judgements. Ask questions before making assumptions. And create a safe environment for others to feel secure. Be reliable, dependable and accountable.
Real strength is not the absence of insecurities, but the courage to acknowledge and address them.
You deserve to feel supported and cared for in your relationships. That’s what you should be seeking.
Just in case, you’re feeling like there’s no one who’ll listen, I dare you to ‘write’ to me at [email protected]. Go ahead, give it a shot!
It’s time to drop the act.
