Not as a matter of social service or because you want to. 

But because you’re wired to respond with compliance and not question.

Everyone wants to fit into society and be well-liked. In some cases, pleasing someone you love and care about may genuinely give you pleasure as well.

But excessive people-pleasing is more than a desire to fit in.

People-pleasers have a sixth sense to anticipate needs. They can see through people’s emotions and body language to know exactly what the person needs. And then they can’t help but comply, no matter the dangers.

If you want to read about the signs whether you’re a people pleaser, we’ve done a deep dive here.

The Hidden Struggle of People Pleasers: When Selflessness Becomes a Burden

Honestly, for others, people pleasers are the best people to be around because they make space for everything and everyone around them. 

It doesn’t matter if you just met them or if you’ve known them for ages; they’ll put you first.

They’re selfless, dependable, and endlessly accommodating. Their natural behaviour leads them to assume universal understanding of everyone else’s needs and origins.

But for the people pleasers themselves, it’s an awful situation.

The Overarching Cost of Being a People Pleaser

Living in survival mode

People pleasing is not a personality trait or a genetic contribution you’re born with. 

It’s a survival response learned from instances that taught you to earn your love and place in society.

As a people pleaser, your experiences teach you that others value you based on your actions, not your inherent worth. It leads to constant accommodation, always available, never refusing requests, and exceeding expectations. 

It becomes second nature to:

• Never say no.
• Always be available.
• Earn love through service, not by simply being.

The danger of living in unfulfilling relationships

On the outside, it may seem like you’re a giving person, someone who knows how to hold the space for another without them even asking for it. 

At first, people may even mistake your trauma response for generosity. 

But underneath, your giving is a performance, an invisible deal you never spoke aloud: 

“If I meet your needs, you’ll stay.”

And many people gladly take what you offer, without ever thinking to return it.
But you stay longer with them, and trust me, they’ll run faster than the speed of light when you need them in return. 

The danger of burning out

When people-pleasing is beyond your control, it can unconsciously influence all your actions. 

It’ll make you work long hours in the office finishing your work and helping everyone else, and make you refuse to tell your boss how exhausted you are at work.

You’ll lose sleep over every job, urgent or not, as others learn your inability to say no.

It might not feel like a big deal, but you’ll soon realise:

• The excess work will start reflecting on the poor quality of your work. 
• It’s going to seep into your personal life when your close ones feel like they’re no longer a priority for you, and 
• Your body will show signs of giving up, with your immune system suffering because of a lack of proper rest.

All along, you are aware that some team members receive equivalent pay, generous bonuses, and maintain a positive relationship with management without compromising their personal lives. Meanwhile, you’re fighting burnout.

More about how to use emotional intelligence for relationship management in the workplace here.

The danger of exhaustion in relationships

The exhaustion of going the extra mile extends beyond your workplace. 

In every relationship, with family, friends and acquaintances, you see yourself stuck in the pattern:

• constantly giving more than you practically should be without harming yourself.
• forgetting your own needs and sacrificing.
• slowly, silently burning out.

The result: you’re too exhausted.

The danger of living a resentful life

You frequently go above and beyond for others. You know they need something before they know it themselves and can ask for it. 

It’s frustrating when others don’t reciprocate the effort you always put in for them.

It’s only a matter of time before the frustration takes the shape of resentment in your relationships. 

Before you know it, you’ll find yourself:

• Snapping at friends,
• Getting angry with your partners, and
• Distrusting people who once mattered.

It’s not because you’re unkind.

Your needs have gone unheeded for too long, and often by you.

The quiet loneliness of people-pleasers

A real connection offers love and support without feeling burdensome; a genuine partner values your presence, not your actions. 

Their love isn’t conditional. 

Their company doesn’t require sacrificing your life.

In their pursuit to always be needed by others, you’ll find yourself trapped in a cycle of giving without being able to ask for help, never catching a break, and growing resentful; they end up isolating themselves even from those who care.

Such behaviour will leave you in an insecure relationship, with low satisfaction, and even more anxiety.

The danger of never having your needs met

You feel guilty each time you request a teeny-tiny favour from someone whom you go out of your way for. 

You’d think at least 50 times before asking them and framing your sentences so it doesn’t make it inconvenient for them, trying not to feel like a burden. Only for them to refuse without giving it a second thought.

And it’s not even a big deal. Especially when you compare it to how far you go for them. 

But you know what’s worse? 

Even after refusing to meet your needs, they’ll come right back when they need something again, asking as if nothing ever happened. 

And when they return to you, you will comply without hesitation, never mentioning how they constantly demand more from you.

The danger of never discovering your identity

You’re always choosing to go with what others think is best, meeting their needs and wants, going to someone else’s favourite restaurant, ordering their choice of food, and going to their place of liking for vacation each time.

As a result, you’re never going to discover who you are, what you like to do, where you would want to go and how you’d rather spend your precious time. 

Impact on mental health

It’s draining to be stuck in the cycle of chasing approval. The need to be accepted is so strong that you’ll ignore the dissatisfaction, resentment, neglect, anger and signs of exhaustion. 

All of it translates into poor mental health, leading to an anxious and sad life. Some experts say it may cause depression.

Difficulty in drawing boundaries

People pleasers can’t tolerate the idea of being disliked.

It’s a nightmare to draw boundaries. They would do anything to get the approval of others and remain in their good books, be the good girl or boy. 

They forget how to refuse an unreasonable ask, take a stand when being badgered, and resist when being pushed into a corner.

A guide to start reclaiming your life

While all of this is painful and sounds like I’m simply blaming you for the trauma you’ve experienced, please give me your attention for another 40 seconds. 

People pleasing isn’t an act of kindness, it’s a desperate act of seeking acceptance that will cost you your energy, relationships, dreams and sense of self. 

Your recovery begins with recognising that you deserve a life where loved ones accept you, flaws and all, support you even when you don’t conform and comply. You deserve to experience the joy of a fulfilling relationship and have your needs met.

I’m not just here to point out all the ways this is toxic.

I’ve got a guide for you to start turning things around.

I’ve put together a guide to help you understand the origins of people pleasing behaviour more deeply, learn when the giving is getting too draining and set healthy boundaries. To give you a sneak peek, you just need to start saying no to others and, most importantly, to yourself.

You don’t have to prove your worth by over-giving. You already are enough.

And you are allowed to live like it. The only person whose permission you need is ‘you’.

Refuse to settle for a life half-lived or a one-sided relationship.

Obviously, at that age, I didn’t even understand what ‘mindset’ meant.

Looking back now, it’s almost unbelievable that something I couldn’t even name would completely transform my entire school experience.

But before we go on with the story, let’s understand what mindset really means.

How is mindset defined?

According to the Cambridge Online Dictionary, it is a person’s way of thinking and their opinions. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it as a mental attitude or inclination. 

Mindset refers to the pattern of thinking, the beliefs and attitudes that help you plan your point of view.

To give you a few examples:

• Do you see failure as another testament to your terrible destiny, or do you see it as a stepping stone to success? 
• When you’re picked for a specific assignment by your boss, do you see it as being singled out and laden with more work than everyone else, or an opportunity to prove again that you’re worth giving more work to?
• If your friend cancels out on dinner, do you trash your relationship with your friend? Or do you understand that she probably has some work to do or doesn’t want to leave the house because she had a rough day and has nothing to do with you or your relationship?
• Imagine you have a fun outing planned with your family. Are you worried about travelling and stressing about the outing or excited and looking forward to relaxing?

Your mindset is, therefore, how you view different situations.

How did reforming the mindset help me?

I learned about the school from one of my god-grandparents. The school was in the perfect location, on a hill surrounded by mountains.

I loved hearing his stories and the idea of living with friends from different parts of the country, all living together in a dormitory, playing sports, and going for my hobbies sessions after classes.

I remember saying bye to my parents at 5.30 p.m. the day my parents dropped me off. Standing on the sides of the parking lot next to the girl’s dormitory, I waved at the car fading away from my sight.

Even though I was a confident young girl when I shifted, it was daunting to be seated in a class of unfamiliar faces. But I was excited to live the dream!

In the following days, the girls in the dorm helped me prepare for school and ‘study hour’, and took me around the school to classes and back.

They braided my hair and helped me figure out the clothes for the different sessions. This by the way, was a lot of help because we wore the sports kit for the morning exercise session, followed by the school kit for classes, and changed back to the sports kit for hobbies and games, and then again to the formal kit for the evening study hour and dinner. 

But a few days into attending classes, having meals, exploring the big library and enjoying the mountains, I spotted one of the girls after the night study hour writing a letter to her parents about her school life.

She wrote about how unhelpful the girls were, how selfish everyone was and how unhappy she was. She wrote that she needed an out asap. The girls from the rich families were selfish and mean. It was hell. 

And that was that.

I proceeded to assume that all the helpful girls were helping for their benefit or out of pity for the new girl.

A few months into the hell I had created for myself, I held ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne. I don’t remember who handed the book to me or when did the book find its way to me. But oh MY GOD, this book set the tone for my life to follow.

Although I haven’t re-read the book since I recall a specific story from it which has stayed with me. 

The story in the book was about a queer person who thought everyone hated him.

People constantly teased him for being queer wherever he went. His whole life, he didn’t have any real friends. Wherever he went, he remained an outsider. 

While he thought it would be better to end his life, he reached out to the author of the book and narrated his tragic life story. 

The author only told him to do one thing. This one thing wasn’t a difficult one.

He didn’t have to spend money or any resources on it. And yet, this one thing proved to be a game-changer for him.

She taught him to think ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ thoughts. She made him live his dream life in his thoughts. She trained him to imagine how everyone in the office respected and befriended him.

And to his surprise, it happened. His dream life slowly became his real life! He made friends; he wasn’t being teased anymore, and he was being promoted and appreciated at work for his contributions.

Honestly, had I heard the story today when I was 30-something, I’d have questioned the truth of it. I’d have trashed it thoroughly and looked for evidence of how this works.

But back in school, the little girl didn’t need any proof. 

Some 15 to 20 years ago, the story was enough to give the 13-year-old girl hope. She clung to that hope and reminded herself to think happy and positive thoughts, just like the queer guy in the book she had read. 

Over time, she became livelier and happier. She started trusting and seeing the good in people around her. She made friends amongst the group she had earlier assumed as unfriendly. 

All these years later, I justify how this happened and how it keeps happening even today, years later. 

And the more I study it, the clearer it becomes. It wasn’t a coincidence that I was able to manifest whatever I wanted in my life. 

If I could have that mindset, I could see everything from that lens.

How Your Mindset Creates Your Reality (Without You Even Noticing)

This is not a fluffed statement. Because your mindset defines how you view different situations, it works like a filter that decides what you notice and ignore. 

If your mindset is a judger mindset and you judge all situations and people, you’ll only see the problems. But if you cultivate a learner mindset, you’ll start focusing on how to get through challenging situations to move forward.

This is how your perception of situations influences your actions and your mindset affects every decision you make, no matter how small or big. 

Because the mindset influences actions, it helps you to create self-fulfilling prophecies and allows you to build the life of your dreams.

When I stopped feeling pity for myself, I sat back in the driver’s seat. I took accountability and control of my life.

Like I said, absolutely none of this is a coincidence. There is plenty of research to show that people who are happier with their lives get promoted faster at work, they’re better off in their relationships, raise the next generation to tackle challenges better and manage teams better.

A study enrolled 165 entrepreneurs in technical skills training programs; researchers also exposed half of them to growth mindset training. 

A growth mindset instilled a sense of self-belief in participants, improving their ability to effectively apply their learnings in entrepreneurship programs. They took way more initiative in business growth.

That’s not all. Your mindset can also influence others’ mindsets and realities.

Studies show that when teachers believe their students can develop intelligence, student performance improves across the board–showing how our beliefs about others can shape their reality.

the Seed of Belief and a powerful mindset

It’s not just me!

In one of her speeches, Oprah Winfrey spoke about being a coloured young girl being brought up on a farm. She says she was five or six years old and was watching her grandmother boil the clothes because they didn’t own a washing machine. 

At the moment, she did not know what the barriers in real life were going to be, but she knew she wanted to live better and become bigger.

Understanding nothing about the real complexities of life, she decided she was going to live the life she wanted when she was about six years old.

In her speech years later, Oprah said, “Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life because you become what you believe…I remember being four or five years old, I certainly couldn’t articulate it, but it was a feeling and a feeling that I allowed myself to follow.” She even credits her success to this exercise that didn’t let her give up. 

Serena Williams’s diary entries, published in her autobiography, show her encouraging and reminding herself that much greater things await her. She knew exactly what she wanted and by having a mindset that she could achieve her dream, she consciously and subconsciously created the circumstances for it to happen.

I know you’re probably questioning the stories because there are always outliers. You’re not 13, as I was when I read ‘The Secret’. 

But let me explain why none of this is a coincidence. 

the science behind Crafting your mindset

It probably wasn’t a coincidence that my mindset changed my experience of the same circumstances. Because nothing else changed.

Neuroplasticity of the brain

It turns out that if you consciously reframe your thoughts, your brain responds. 

It physically changes by forming new pathways to interpret situations differently. Scientists call it neuroplasticity–your brain’s ability to rewire by making new connections.

You become open to tackling challenges instead of avoiding them. 

The brain and body work together to keep you out of the fight-or-flight mode so you can think without feeling impending urgency. 

In stressful situations, you see situations as challenges rather than threats, and your body produces helpful hormones instead of harmful ones, like cortisol.

As a result, instead of using phrases like “I’m an idiot,” “I’m a loser,” “My life sucks,” “The world is out to get me,” and “Life stinks,” you think “Nothing ventured, nothing lost,” “no harm trying,” “let’s give it a shot and see where it goes.”

It’s what happens in your head!

Fixed and Growth Mindsets

What do we know about Fixed and Growth Mindsets from Carol Dweck’s research?

In the 1980s, Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck developed a theory about the significant role mindsets play in eventual success. 

She says that the perception of limited intellectual ability stopped people with a fixed mindset from succeeding. 

People with a growth mindset (i.e., those who believed in developing their abilities through hard work and practice) were more likely to succeed because they tried harder.

Over the years, she tested this theory repeatedly. 

During one test, she gave a group of students a short training at the beginning of their academic year to teach them how to develop their intelligence over time and how to grow it. The message was clear – with effort, they could improve their performance.

To everyone’s surprise, students who underwent this course increased their grade point averages by 0.10 points. The number of students with a grade of D or F decreased by over 5 per cent as compared to the students who did not take this course. 

Dweck didn’t stop at understanding mindsets on a surface level. 

She also tested students with both – fixed and growth mindsets neurologically and saw how their brains responded to mistakes differently using electroencephalography to measure brain waves in the different regions of the brain. 

She noticed that persons with a growth mindset had higher activity in the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC) and related brain areas associated with cognitive control of behaviour. This group focussed on solving problems and learning from their mistakes rather than ruminating and giving up. 

Recent Research About Factors Impacting Healthy Mindsets

While Dweck’s idea of fixed vs. growth mindsets is helpful, real human thinking isn’t so black and white. A lot has happened since the 80s.

The latest research suggests that effective mindsets are more nuanced. Various factors form an effective mindset.

Positive personality traits and mindset

If you’re more curious or confident, you are likely to be more open to ideas. If so, you may be more prone to being excited about new projects rather than dreading them. 

Similarly, if you’re harsh on yourself instead of being kind, you’re likely to take setbacks and failures as well enough to learn from them. If you’re compassionate with yourself, you’ll be able to pull yourself out of the ruts.

Influence of your company and environment

Depending on whether you’re from a low, middle or high-income family, you may learn to have a poor or good relationship with risk-taking. 

If you have a supportive family or you live in a community, it can help you stay positive and motivated. Similarly, if you’ve grown up in a home where people’s moods dictated everything, you may get anxious even later in life at work when someone else is moody. 

Past experiences and traumas

At the cost of repetition, you and I are the product of our experiences. Nurturing, bullying, dismissal, or encouragement—all influence how you think about yourself.

If you’ve learned that you’re not smart enough and that’s what you believe with all your heart, you’ll have trouble getting over failures and moving on.

Cultural influence

Your upbringing and societal culture play a huge role. Some societies are highly religious, many of them patriarchal, some consider working 90 hours/week as the norm while others consider 40 hours/week as the gold standard for a well-lived life. 

Emotional intelligence and psychological factors 

Your level of emotional intelligence, characterised by how well you know yourself, how well you’re able to regulate yourself and your emotions, how motivated you are, and your ability to empathise and socialise with others, directly influences your mindset. If you lack the right mindset, you won’t see clearly, and your decision-making ability will suffer.

Lifestyle and habits

Your daily habits, including what you eat and how active you are during the day, also result in the creation/secretion of specific hormones that influence your moods and mindset. 

Mindset Traps That Keep You Stuck (And How to Escape Them)

Even when you’re trying to think positively, these common traps can hold you back:

Black-and-White Thinking 

Seeing everything as all-or-nothing (“If I’m not perfect, I’m a total failure”) blocks the thinking you need for growth. Mistakes and failures are a part of the process. 

You can also hear Michael Jordan repeat in his interviews again, “I’ve failed over and over again—and that’s why I succeed”. His mindset is that of a winner and reframes his failures as paths to his successes.

Perfectionism 

Believing anything less than flawless is unacceptable just leads to paralysis and procrastination. Even if it’s not perfect, it still counts.

Victim Mentality

Feeling helpless against your circumstances removes your power to change things and stops you from solving problems. 

Let me clarify, I know we don’t start our lives at the same level. We’re all born and brought up in different circumstances. But because you’re reading this, this is your sign to stop pitying yourself and take control.

More about systematic improvement techniques to help you replace the victim mentality here.

Comparison Game

Measuring yourself against others instead of your progress creates unnecessary suffering and kills motivation. 

Count your blessings and not your problems.

Insecurity driven choices

When you decide based on fear rather than what you actually want, you limit what’s possible for you. When thinking about your dream life, the barriers are only in your head.

Fake or Toxic Positivity

Forcing yourself to be positive while ignoring actual problems will prevent you from authentically processing your emotions and starting with realistic problem-solving.

The idea of positive thinking to shift mindsets is not to ignore the problems but to understand that there are solutions and pursue them.

If the problems are your own insecurities, which cause negative emotions repeatedly, then focus on resolving the problem rather than avoiding them. 

Trust me, you will remain stuck in the pattern of negative thinking or a fixed/judger mindset unless you address what’s really going on.

Overthinking

Endless rumination without action just creates anxiety without progress. 

Overconfidence

Overestimating your abilities without realistic assessment can lead to poor decisions and unnecessary risks.

Controlling the uncontrollable

You can’t control everything in your life and honestly, you being mad about it won’t change it. 

You can’t change. It rains suddenly; the car stops functioning, employees don’t turn up, you fall sick, and food gets soiled. You ruminating over it or getting upset won’t change a thing. 

What will help though is moving on and figuring out how to enjoy the weather, find a mechanic, finish the work or get help from someone else, take medicines and arrange fresh food.

Negative surroundings

Of course, the people and the environment are important and you should fix it if they’re holding you back.

But more importantly, you need to pay attention to the content you’re consuming. The algorithms of the technologies and social media platforms show us what we pay attention to, so it is easier to stay comfortably stuck in difficult circumstances.

How to Build a Better Mindset: Actionable steps

Let’s get down to business. Our brains are incredibly adaptable. The mindset you have today isn’t the one you’re stuck with forever. 

If a 13-year-old could reframe her thoughts and change her reality in school, you have no excuses to make. I’m going to give you all the tools you need to rewire your brain so you don’t have to live a hard life. Let’s change your reality. 

Two-Minute Miracles: Daily Gratitude Exercise

Instead of opening Instagram or YouTube first thing in the morning, reach out for a notebook and spend two minutes writing whatever you’re grateful for.

This isn’t just fad advice. Robert Emmons, a psychologist who has been studying people for 20 years, notes that rather than objective life circumstances, perception makes us happy. Conducting three tests, he proved that this one tiny habit can boost your happiness levels massively in just 10 weeks.

And all it takes is two minutes a day.

The Three-Pronged Approach to Life

Martin Seligman, who is also an expert psychologist in this field, divides life into three phases to help people deal with it. He claims that teaching people these three things about life can help them stay consistently happy and live more fulfilling lives.

Deal with the past

Instead of suppressing negative emotions, learn to embrace and express them. If you don’t deal with it today, it’ll stay there and infest your life for a long time.

Grounded in the Present

Focus on staying in the present moment when you’re doing life. Martin suggests staying mindful about the topics you pay attention to. If you’re working, pay attention to work. If you’re reading a book, eliminate distractions.

Optimism for the future

Finally, Martin suggests thinking about the future with hope and optimism. Learn to induce positive emotions by thinking optimistically about what’s yet to come.

Play The Mental Subtraction Game

Just close your eyes after reading this sentence and think about what would happen if you didn’t even have a job today? What if you had never met your partner? What if you had never recovered from the illness? 

What if you didn’t have the means and the resources to research how to make yourself a better life? But here you are. You’re not one of those people who are sitting in their misery. You’re here gathering the tools to learn how to live happier.

The Effort Trophy: Celebrating Process Over Outcomes

The ultimate outcomes are not what lead to the growth of your brain and change in behaviour. It’s what you learn. It’s alright if you didn’t get the desired result; your efforts during the challenge still led to your growth. So you still won.

Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck’s revolutionary research shows that praising effort rather than results creates resilience and learning motivation.

If you learn to enjoy the process and focus on that, the results will follow. It’s only a matter of time.

The Power of “Yet”: Three Letters That Change Everything

One word, three letters, to remind you that you will not stay in the same place forever. You can move forward and you will.

This is how you can reframe to use the power of yet:

“I don’t know how to make more money”. You don’t know how to make money yet.

“I don’t know how to fix my relationship with my partner.” You don’t know how to fix your relationship yet.

“I don’t understand mathematics”. You don’t understand mathematics yet.

“I’m terrible at public speaking”. You’re not good at public speaking yet.

The Deliberate Challenge: Brain-Building Through Difficulty

If you stop using your brain, it’ll get rusty. 

When was the last time you did something difficult on purpose? Can’t think of anything, let me give you some ideas:

• Learn a new language
• Study a new subject 
• Learn how to play a new game, maybe chess
• Take an alternative route to home
• Pick up a puzzle game

The Five-Minute Reset: Ground Yourself In Reality

Your to-do list is getting longer. The meeting is not ending. Your inbox is exploding. The traffic is horrible. Yeah, all of this is stressful. 

The technique of slow nasal breathing can activate the regions of the brain, which can reduce anxiety and induce calmness. It also results in improved cognition, so it helps you think better and clearer, allowing you to cope with stress and challenges better.

But before you surrender to the stress, set a timer for 5 minutes and simply follow your inhale and exhale breath through your nose. Thoughts will come and go and that’s okay. Come back to the present moment by noticing your breathing.

The Mono tasking Challenge: Single-Focus Power

If you think you’re a good multitasker, you’re lying to yourself. In fact, research from Stanford University shows that even trying to multitask can impair cognitive control. Instead of helping, it reduces efficiency by up to 40%.

Try this experiment: Choose one activity and do JUST that thing. Notice the details. Stay present. You’re not just getting more enjoyment; you’re literally strengthening your prefrontal cortex.

The Detective Method: Cognitive Reframing

Research shows that mindfulness strengthens your brain’s ability to change. Start with just five minutes daily of noticing your thoughts without judgment to spot limiting beliefs.

When you catch yourself thinking, “This always happens to me” or “I’ll never succeed”, gather evidence like a crime scene investigator.

The Observer Perspective: Self-Distancing Language

It’s hard to be objective about stressful situations when you’re the subject of those situations. This is where this technique comes into play. How would you advise your friend to pull herself out of the mess if it was her and not you?

This will help you look at the situation from an autobiographical perspective, and this approach has demonstrably reduced stress for people.

Studies also found that introspecting from an observer’s seat positively impacts your ability to regulate your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours under social stress, even for vulnerable individuals.

To put yourself in the observer’s seat, try speaking to yourself in the third person. Instead of asking, “Why am I feeling this way?”, ask “Why is [your name] feeling this way?”

Stop Wishing, Start Setting Goals

When you say “I want to get healthier,” you’re wishing for it but when you say that “I will walk 30 minutes every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning before work,” and “eat 200 calories less,” you’re setting real goals.

Setting goals instead of wishing for change will help you get into implementation mode to put everything into action. 

The Happiness Equation: Relationships Trump Everything

A Harvard study that observed people for over 80 years throughout their lives, discovered that the quality of your relationships is a stronger predictor of happiness and mental well-being than wealth, fame, or achievement combined.

Oxytocin is way more powerful than you think.

Dr. Robert Waldinger, who pioneered this study, states that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.

People with a reliable support system showed lower rates of diabetes, arthritis, cognitive decline, and other chronic conditions. Their hypothesis is that close relationships act as 

“stress regulators” — that help our bodies calm down and return to normalcy after stressful situations.

Having said all the above, of course, the time-tested and good-old exercising, getting good quality sleep, taking regular breaks, and spending time with friends and family are all essential for your brain health and well-being.

How to put the techniques into practice

Start small and with one technique.

I know I’ve given you a lot of information all at once, but you don’t need to implement all of them right away together. Just start small by spending 2 minutes on the gratitude journal every day and take it from there.

I’d love to hear which mindset-building technique you’re trying first! Drop a comment and let’s support each other on this brain-changing journey.

Do One Hard Thing Each Week

You aren’t stuck with your current mindset—it’s a garden you can cultivate with the right tools and consistent attention. The science proves it. The ball is in your court.

Building a growth mindset means gradually stepping outside of your comfort zone. Choose one minor challenge weekly that stretches you a bit.

Surround Yourself With Reminders

Put physical reminders of your desired mindset in your space. This could be inspirational quotes, vision boards, or regular coffee dates with growth-minded friends. 

For me, changing my passwords to unlock my laptop and phone, and using certain quotes as wallpapers, works very well. Keep it simple and effective.

Create a Morning Power-Up

The reason I suggested you should do your gratitude journalling right in the morning is so it can set the tone for the rest of the day.

Be Kind to Yourself While Taking Action 

There is no destination. There is no endgame here. The point of these exercises is to make your journey more enjoyable and set a clear path for yourself. Be deliberate in your actions and thoughts so you can be happier and live a more fulfilled life. 

You’re chasing absolutely nothing. You’re living it. So be kind and create systems that combine self-compassion with specific next steps. For example, forgive yourself for mistakes while making a clear improvement plan.

Toxic positivity 

Because we’ve talked about positivity so much here, I don’t want you to confuse it with avoiding emotions and challenging feelings to act like everything is okay when it’s not. 

A good mindset isn’t blind positivity—it’s optimism that acknowledges challenges while believing in your ability to handle them.

Masking underlying issues won’t solve the problem. A positive mindset doesn’t mean you can close your eyes and pretend that the problems will go away. It means believing that life will improve and it will get better when you deal with the issue. 

No matter how much you try to run away, the brain has a way of remembering episodic memories from significant moments that are – positive or negative. Deal with it in time.

The temporary solutions will only bide your time. Please don’t use positive thinking as a coping mechanism to ignore your problems. Use it to stay authentic and bold in the face of challenges. Set realistic expectations, make a plan, and track progress, consistently. The results will follow.

Follow The Mindset With Action: Where the Magic Happens

Mindset alone isn’t enough–it has to translate into consistent action.

Think of ways to complement your optimistic thinking and help you stay on track.

It provides the initial spark, but to change your life, you need to follow it up with action.

Design your environment to make good behaviours easier and unhelpful behaviours harder.

Whether it’s the people who hold you back, the environment that keeps you stuck or the social media algorithm that doesn’t let you catch a break .

Get away from the unhealthy reinforcing thoughts and behaviours and stay with the ones that remind you of everything you’re capable of.

Track your progress using both feelings and facts.

Pay attention not just to how you feel about your development but to concrete, measurable advances, no matter how small.

The action itself can change the mindset. Sometimes the best approach isn’t thinking your way into new actions, but acting your way into new thinking. 

As psychologist William James noted, “Action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling.”

Your Mindset, Your Choice: Small Shifts, Big Results

While mindset influences pretty much everything in your life, its power comes from conscious understanding and consistent practice. 

• The life-changing potential of mindset isn’t triggered automatically–it requires a commitment to self-awareness, flexibility, and regular reinforcement through both thought and action.
• Your current mindset didn’t form overnight. It developed through years of experiences, messages, and interpretations. Changing it will also take patience and persistence. 
• Start today by identifying one limiting belief you hold and consciously practising its opposite.
• Remember that mindset work isn’t about becoming perfect — but embracing continuous growth. Each small shift in perspective creates ripple effects across your life, relationships, and achievements.
• What one mindset shift would most transform your life right now? Share your thoughts in the comments—your experience might be exactly what someone else needs to hear.
• If you’re anything like me, you’ll probably steer away from your journey because you’ve got 50 other things to do. Help me help you stay consistent by sharing short notes directly in your email.

I have lived this and I continue to do so every single day. Even if you don’t believe me completely, give this a shot and I promise you won’t be sorry.

But that doesn’t diminish its importance – you don’t get a do-over with words. Words frame and cause real experiences for you and others you’re speaking to. They influence their thoughts and trigger emotional and physiological responses.

You may forget what you said in the heat of the moment, but the person who heard them will think about your harsh words for a long time.

The Power of Thoughtless Words

The Lasting Impact of Words

There is no option to ‘undo’ and ‘redo’ once the words are out of your mouth. 

It doesn’t matter how pure your intentions are or how effective the solution you suggested was if you couldn’t explain it. It is carried forever.

Words Drive Solutions

If you cannot deliver your message to the right person correctly, it will lose its impact.

Your Words Position You In The Society

Mastering the art of thinking before speaking can help you position yourself as a leader in your society who can inspire and mobilise people to take action. 

Instead, if you keep rambling, people will stop taking you seriously.

Words Shape Perception For Others

How information is perceived and understood depends on the various factors concerning the receptor.

Words play a critical role in weaving the stray threads of society’s fabric together.

Using words, you can express and connect with those you value. The depth of your words can strengthen or weaken your relationships.

Words Can Inspire or Injure

What you say can inspire, uplift, and heal someone or it can discourage and injure someone.

You are unaware of: anyone else’s circumstances, upbringing, biases, presumptions, current knowledge of the subject, or whether they are having a bad day, experiencing financial difficulties, or are ill.

You may have snapped at them only once, but their intense experience from that moment could add to their already troubled state of mind and stressors unknown to you.

How Does the Brain Respond: The Research Behind Interpretation of Words?

Words are not empty caskets. They carry weight and affect the actual experiences of the person hearing them.

Words Can Amplify or Reduce Pain

In a 2019 study, 17 people were given an electrical stimulus and told to rate the pain they experienced. 

Thereafter, the researchers gave the participants the same electrical stimulus and also said positive (encouraging) or negative (discouraging) pain-related words to them.

Pain-Related Words Cause More Pain

They found that hearing pain-related and negative words activated a region of the brain that amplified the painful experience of the participants.

As a result, the participants in the research experienced greater pain than when they heard positive stimulus words. 

Brain Uses Words To Frame Experiences 

The related activity in the brain measured using the MRI scans also confirmed this.

Words Can Damage Self Esteem and Mental Distress

In a different study on the impact of verbal abuse on college kids, the researchers found verbal abuse resulted in increased anxiety, depressive symptoms, irritability, and reduced self-esteem in the participants of this research.

Mind you, this wasn’t a small group of students scientists tested with. This research included 5,000+ participants. And the results were consistent.

Words Can Distort Social Interactions

The study also noted that the students who suffered verbal abuse often responded to the abuse by using coping mechanisms that did not involve confrontation.

And as a general practice, they also preferred to text rather than call because in-person interactions terrified them.

Such experiences of harmful speech have a long-term impact on the receptor’s relationships.

Words Shape Perceptions

In another study, the scientists explored the impact of certain words on the receptors’ perception of what is being said.

Let me explain this with an example used in the study.

The scientists asked the participants to fill in the blanks with sentences using the words “cause” or “produce” in contexts of medical issues. 

Most participants filled the blanks in the ‘cause sentences’ with negative consequences. However, they completed the ‘produce-sentences’ more neutrally.

The words you use to convey a message can influence the other person’s perception of the real situation, even if the facts are neutral.

That’s not all. There’s more.

Words Can Reshape the Structure of Your Brain

The words you use to talk to anyone, including yourself, can change the brain’s structure. 

When you repeatedly use positive words and affirmations, something called neuroplasticity happens to the brain.

Simply put, you learn new concepts and the brain grows more. 

The brain forms new pathways and connections, altering the wiring of its circuits. This changes the brain response and, as a result, your response and approach in situations.

We can considerably change who we are, who we perceive ourselves to be, what we can do and how we do things, even in adulthood.

Impact of the Words on the Speaker

Negative Self-talk Reinforces Limiting Beliefs 

The words you use can make or break a person, including you, if you are the receptor.

And if you’re the speaker, your mean words spoil your mood and the environment, people around quickly learn to avoid you lest you ruin their mood.

Words Can Make You The Most Hated or Loved Person

The words you choose to communicate can break or make your relationships. Like I said, you don’t get a do-over when you make horrible remarks.

The same thing happens when you smile at someone, and they also respond with a warm smile. Sure, it made the other person feel good, so they smiled back. Didn’t that warm smile make you feel good as well?

No one wants to be the most hated person in the room or a red flag in their relationship. Choose your words carefully.

Why We Don’t Think Before Speaking (& How To Fix It?)

We’re wired to function on autopilot. You’d like to think you’re a rational human being, like Aristotle said but are you? If you’d like to read more about how the human brain is circuited to jump to conclusions and what you can do about it, read this.

It takes effort to slow down and think about the circumstances, the outcome you’re trying to achieve and an awareness of how to best achieve that outcome.

Let’s discuss what causes you to skip thinking before speaking.

Lack of Self-Awareness

You Can Only Control What You Recognise

In this article (The Ultimate Self-Awareness Guide: Emotional Intelligence at Workplace), we discussed that self-awareness means knowing your triggers and how they affect you and the surrounding others. Therefore, it can be internal or external.

You are a product of your readings, observations, interactions, upbringing, and the content you consume among other factors.

Knowledge is Power

You need to know yourself and the people you’re speaking to to tap into their feelings and alter your response based on that knowledge.

If you are unaware of your biases and presumptions, you won’t know where to check yourself before jumping to conclusions and communicating based on those.

Empathy Deficit

The ability to understand and share the feelings of others can help you apprehend how they will respond to your words.

If you can’t relate to the person hearing your words and understand their feelings, how can you visualise their response and decide the best way to communicate with them?

Poor Emotional Regulation Skills

Reacting vs. Responding

The nature and intensity of emotions experienced in similar emotions can be vastly different.

When emotions take over, rational thinking takes a back seat. The brain is busy dealing with insecurities and doesn’t have space to think about the best way to respond.

Functioning on Vulnerabilities 

Certain situations can also trigger insecurities and vulnerabilities, which can cause you to become defensive.

As a result, you forget the real matter at hand and start focussing on creating a safe space to stop feeling vulnerable.

Solely Focusing on the Outcome & Not the Process

Remember the desired result, but also plan the steps and resources required.

You need to know all the players and then assign responsibilities to each of them to achieve the goal.

Lack of Social Skills

You may be self-aware, even be an empath, fully in charge of your emotional state and also know everyone’s triggers, strengths and weaknesses before speaking to them.

But is that enough if you lack basic social skills to convey your exceptional message?

No one can guarantee the success of great ideas if they are delivered poorly.

Actionable Strategies to Make Your Words Count

You’re reading this because you want to be a leader, an understanding partner, a comforting parent or a good child to your parents. These desires will not be fulfilled automatically because you intended.

You will need to deliberate action directed towards the following strategies for implementation.

Self-Awareness: Who Are You?

We spoke about emotional regulation above.

Challenge Your Biases 

Your schemas and triggers can lead you to make harmful assumptions about situations and act on those assumptions instead of facts. It’s like wearing black sunglasses. Everything seems darker when you wear them.

Work on Triggers

• Make space for your emotions.
• Recognise your triggers.
• Hit pause when triggered.
• Are you interpreting the facts correctly or is your judgement influenced by your triggers?
• Think of the responses.
• Determine the short-term consequences and long-term consequences of your responses.
• Consider the response that will best serve your problem.

If you’d like to understand whether you need to self-regulate and how to do it, read this (How To Self-Regulate Like a Pro: Emotional Intelligence 101).

Active Listening

Hearing is the physical process of perceiving sound. It’s an involuntary process. You can hear a car’s horn from afar. 

Listening involves understanding what is being said. This is a deliberate process where you assign meaning to words and make sense of them. Notice the body language and take cues from the tone of the speaker.

To listen actively:

• Ditch the distractions for the duration of the conversation and show respect to the speaker.
• Listen with your mind and body, i.e., use body language (nodding) to convey agreement and straight back to show interest.
• Ask questions and seek clarifications wherever necessary.
• Notice your emotional response to the situation.
• Listen to all the parties, including the opposing (interested) and third (uninterested) parties.
• Focus more on the information and the problem to be solved and take cues from others’ body language.

Pause Before Responding

Take a Moment To Process Before Speaking

Listen to the speaker patiently. Refrain from interrupting the speaker and wait for them to finish speaking before making judgements.

Don’t be Afraid to Postpone the Response

And if you’re not in the headspace or don’t have the bandwidth to listen, postpone the discussion or at least your response. 

This is the least you can do to show respect to someone spending their time and energy communicating with you.

Respond Based on The Environment

Different Settings Require Different Tones and Words

Are you at work? Are you in a meeting with the clients? Are you attending a family function? Depending on where you are, you must choose your words, alter your tone and mind your body language.

Tailor Your Message Based on Context

If you let your anger lose this instant, how will the environment change in the room? Are you alright with that, or should you postpone your response?

Use Constructive Language

Use Encouraging Words and Tone

There are many ways to say the same thing.

A mistake in an assignment may seem like a fixable bump in the road to one person. It may feel like the end of the world to another.

Consider this. 

Your junior sent the wrong version of the document out to the client. Or your kid spilt her milk on your important papers. Of course, you’ll probably be very angry in both situations. 

But you still have a choice – to express that anger by screaming at the junior/kid or first deal with your anger, learn where they’re coming from and encourage them to do better next time. 

Make, Don’t Break People

You will achieve the desired result of ensuring that they don’t repeat the mistake out of fear, but you could damage their self-esteem.

Also, if you think screaming at someone else will make you feel better, why don’t you try that too and see how long it takes to redeem your sense of calm?

If you choose the latter approach to deal with the situation, you’ll not only give them fish for this time but also teach them how to fish.

It’s a win-win.

Consider the Impact: Inspire or Injure?

Before you respond, consider the impact of your words on the person hearing them, and the others who work or spend time with them.

Align your message with your intent.

Are you inspiring, teaching, healing, supporting, and encouraging someone? Or are you hurting, discouraging, or injuring someone?

Develop Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is a tool for relationship management. It is the ability to understand your emotions and manage them, and to apprehend how your emotional state impacts others around you.

Power of Self-Regulation & Empathy In Speech 

It helps you become a sound decision-maker, and a trained conflict manager, build better teams, invest in better relationships and be a true leader. 

Emotionally Intelligent Leaders Communicate Better

I don’t mean this metaphorically, there are studies to show that teams that function under emotionally intelligent managers are not only happier, but they also perform better in terms of productivity and profitability.

We consider it so important that we’ve covered it at length in multiple posts on the blog. If you’d like to get a head start on learning to be emotionally intelligent, you can read this.

Rules for Thoughtful Speech: A Checklist

It doesn’t matter who you’re talking to and what you’re saying, these are a few rules you should learn to incorporate. Before you utter any words, see if they’re checking the boxes.

• Have you correctly understood what the other person is saying?
• Who are you speaking to?
• Are you speaking the truth?
• What is the purpose of your words? Are your words conveying that purpose?
• Is it better to stay silent for the time—being to avoid escalation or encourage deeper thought?
• Are you being respectful and kind while speaking?
• Have you considered the words’ impact on the receptor and the surrounding others?
• Is it relevant to the discussion?
• Is it your place to say it?
• Is it your turn to speak now?
• Will it help achieve the goal and solve the problem?

Practical Strategies To Think Before You Speak – A Bullet Guide

Here is a quick summary of practical strategies suggested:

Also, a quick checklist for you to use as a phone wallpaper, put on your bedside table, or your desk.

Or gift it to someone who needs it.

Final Thoughts

Your words make someone else’s reality. 

• Rehearse the mantra in your head particularly if it’s an important message.
• Even a harsh message, with empathy in the tone and the speaker’s body language, can be delivered softly to the person hearing it.
• Thinking about the response doesn’t mean it’s less genuine. 
• Such reflection on your words strengthens them, as each is spoken thoughtfully and purposefully.
• Especially in the digital age where people sit behind screens and spew poisonous words at others thinking that no one will catch them.
• If you’ve made a mistake and used words that conveyed a confusing reading, don’t hesitate to acknowledge that, offer a sincere apology and clarify your intention to the receptor.

The doctors told him it was genetics. But neither of his parents had that disease. This friend also has an identical twin. He (thankfully) didn’t have the disease either.

The doctors could not pinpoint why it happened. He had just one serious bout of hepatitis once before in childhood, and the chances of the liver having been weakened by that was susceptible to inflammation thereafter. But this was just a hypothesis by an expert five years later. 

Also, it primarily affects Asian females over 35, and a male under 25 getting it was extremely rare so the doctors didn’t have any good cases to extrapolate or give a prognosis from either.

As of date, there isn’t much research on what causes autoimmune hepatitis. Yes, it’s genetic, but due to faulty or damaged genetics, not some latent gene. There’s no real known cause. 

What the doctors said about autoimmune diseases

Why and how did the gene disease activate for this friend and not his twin brother?

When he asked the doctor what caused it, the doctor casually responded that the actual cause of such diseases was unknown. 

Some five years later, when consulting one of the country’s best doctors in the field on the course of treatment and taking a second opinion for the first time, the doctor asked him, “How was the environment at home before you first got the symptoms?“

He didn’t ask him what he ate, how much water he drank and how often did he exercise. Mind you, he was one of the most physically active and fit people I knew back in college. 

I reiterate, that the doctor asked him how was the environment at home before he got the symptoms.

Later, around 2019-20, another friend was also diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, also an autoimmune disease. I knew she had moved across continents at a very young age and it could NOT have been easy to start a life all on your own when she was only about 17-18 years of age.

It can get very real and very brutal, all too soon. And for her, it did. The doctors told her also that while the actual cause is unknown to medical science; it was probably just stress.

Just stress? We’re not talking of a minor inconvenience but a life-threatening disease where the immune system of the body fails and takes the position of an attacker instead of a protector. It cannot differentiate between a cell of the body and a foreign cell and attacks every cell simultaneously. These diseases can be managed but can never be cured.

The Cost of Emotional Suppression

The stories above are personal accounts of people who have to live with an incurable autoimmune disease for the rest of their lives. These are people I know and care deeply about.

I recently finished reading ‘When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress’, authored by Gabor Mate. Mate is a doctor who treated multiple patients for medical illnesses and addictions. In his 20 years of practice, he worked with patients who suffered terminal diseases like cancer, ALS, arthritis, multiple sclerosis etc.

While examining patients, he started noticing patterns: people with immune system illnesses, whether autoimmune or immunodeficiency, had often experienced trauma before their diagnosis. So he started talking more to his patients about these traumatic experiences.

Shockingly, the stories of my two friends fit right into the supposed personality traits Dr. Gabor had talked about in his book.

Let’s delve into those a bit deeper.

Personality traits of patients with immune system illnesses

He found these patients had similar underlying emotional personalities, and they dealt with their emotions similarly. The common underlying traits he noticed were:

People pleasers

He noticed these people went out of their way to meet others’ needs, while their needs remained unfulfilled. They had a hard time drawing boundaries with others and saying no.

If they even considered prioritising themselves, they were overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and were harshly self-critical of themselves, feeling like they were too needy and not cared for.

While taking care of others’ needs, they forgot what it was like to take care of themselves and kept going for the sake of securing external validation. Their stress hormones increased, causing burnout. Eventually, their bodies could not handle any more stress and they gave up.

We’ve dug deep into people-pleasing tendencies here. Click to find out if you’re one of us.

Emotional repressors

Emotions, especially, anger, are healthy responses to the environment. But these people also didn’t know how to process emotions, so they just didn’t. They avoided their emotions and invalidated them because it was too hard to deal with them. In the short run, it was great because they could just move on, but in the long run, they felt helpless and frustrated.

The repression built up stress in the body and at some point, it couldn’t handle it anymore.

Emotionally responsible for everyone

These people often felt responsible for others’ happiness. As a result, they only cared about making others happy even if it meant paying the price with their health.

Perfectionists

‘Good enough’ isn’t good enough for some people. 

These people set unrealistic standards and beat themselves over not achieving them. They’re under constant pressure and, literally, scared to face failure. 

Non-confrontational

We’re talking about people-pleasers and emotional repressors here. At no point were these people comfortable in confronting the other parties about violating their boundaries. 

For example, if a non-confrontational person has to deal with bullies. He would detest the idea of standing up to the bullies; first, because they refuse to acknowledge that they were victims of bullying, and second, because they fear that other people might not see their behaviour as particularly friendly. 

Hyperindependent

It’s hard to be hyper-independent and do all of life on your own. There are failures, terrible accidents, and bad days to deal with. 

They firmly believed that even if they asked for help, no one would oblige. As a result, they don’t ask for help and are fairly self-sufficient in all aspects.

All of this led me to dig a little deeper. 

What Does Scientific Research Say About Stress and Disease?

I came across various independent studies on this topic, all of which are divergent in their conclusions. However, the National Cancer Institute, a leading federal agency for cancer research in the United States, concludes that stress may indirectly cause cancer by leading to unhealthy habits and lifestyles.

I recently checked in on a third friend of mine, who had also received an autoimmune disease diagnosis (Celiac Disease) a few years ago. He had moved cities, was in a completely new environment, and had lost a ton of weight. Turns out, the timing of his diagnosis coincided with the stressful period in his life.

Although my sample size was fairly small, all three of my friends were as young as ever and received diagnoses of autoimmune diseases in their early 20s following extremely stressful periods in their lives.

More recently, in September 2023, this study published in the International Journal of Oncology supported Dr. Gabor’s hypothesis and concluded similarly that:

“The present review indicates that stress has been linked to cancer development and incidence for a number of decades…Recent research has advanced the current understanding of the role of stress in cancer induction, growth and metastasis development… Animal studies have revealed a clearer link than clinical human studies, suggesting that stress factors can exacerbate cancer hallmarks and promote growth and metastasis by directly affecting malignant tissue, its microenvironment, anti-tumor immune activity and other indirect cancer progression modifiers.”

How does that even work, you ask?

How Does Chronic Stress Impact Physical Health?

The National Cancer Institute describes how the body responds to stress by releasing stress hormones that result in increased blood pressure, heart rate and blood sugar.

In the short run, the body needs these hormones because, according to the body, it’s under threat and is accordingly preparing for the fight-or-flight response.

Now imagine if the body remained in this state for a prolonged period. To keep up, it would release more of such hormones over time, causing the body to undergo stress over a prolonged period, causing inflammation, and weakening the immune system.

Steps to Combat Stress-Induced Health Risks

What can you do about it?

To be honest, Dr. Gabor’s answer is quite straightforward. He suggests addressing the underlying causes that contribute to the stress. As straightforward as it is, it’s not simple. Running away from emotions is easy, but facing your emotions is HARD.

This is what Dr. Gabor suggests in his book:

Self-awareness and acceptance

At the very outset, it’s hard to accept that you need help because you live for external validation and don’t value yourself as much as you should.

But it’s possible. 

It’s possible to do the hard work, live your dream life, be proud of yourself for facing your scariest moments, deal with your deepest, darkest fears, discover your true self and attain your freedom.

But it won’t happen automatically. You’ll have to unlearn how you treat yourself as less important than everyone else and how you attach value to yourself.

Click to read and implement the Self-Awareness Guide if you need one.

Listen to your emotions and body

You’ll have to learn to listen to your emotions and stop ignoring them. Identifying that you’re uncomfortable is one thing, and naming your feelings is another. That is exactly what you have to do.

For example, when someone is screaming, you can see they’re not themselves. To help, you’ll have to get under the anger and identify that they’re feeling left out, unheard and misunderstood over and over again. 

A quick tip: If you relate to the anger example above, you can use the anger-iceberg tool to unearth the roots of it. Read more about it here.

I truly wish emotional awareness and regulation were taught to us as children. We need a formal lesson where we’re explained what it means to be angry, disappointed, sad, misunderstood, stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, shocked, happy, excited, joyful, confused, and disgusted.

But since not all of us had that opportunity, we can thank the stars that you’re reading this and starting today. It’s time to take accountability for our lives.

If you need help identifying and understanding hidden emotions and building emotional awareness, we’ve covered it in great detail in one of the sections in this post.

Draw healthy boundaries

Once you learn to tune in with your emotions, the next step is to act on them and deal with the discomfort of drawing healthy boundaries.

As a people pleaser (trust me, I know :)), you seek external validation. Drawing boundaries by saying no or telling someone off might make you physically uncomfortable.

People with whom we need to draw boundaries, don’t always come in the shape and form of bullies. Sometimes they’re closest peers or even family members who are habitually accustomed to overlooking your needs because that’s the standard they’ve learned to work with you on.

As hard as it sounds, when you tell them what’s been really going on, believe me, they will listen if they care about you. And if they don’t listen or care, are such people even worth losing your mind over?

We’ve done a deeper dive into drawing boundaries. You can read all about it here.

Become Friends with Confrontations 

Your needs matter. Your feelings matter.

A confrontation is probably the last thing on your mind, but the act of confronting itself is drawing a huge boundary. But isn’t a confrontation better than dealing with the emotional baggage than knowing that once again, you let someone else walk all over your needs?

But if you don’t tell them to back off, no one else will. If you don’t tell them they need to value your needs, no one else can.

The change has to start with you.

Be kind to yourself

Yes, the change has to start from you, but it must come from within you. 

Life is not perfect for anybody. How we deal with life can also vary vastly.

But life happens to all of us and it probably happened to you, too. It’s time to stop judging yourself and staying in the same state. It’s time to create the space to help you flourish and thrive personally and professionally.

Self-Care: Reconnecting With Your Authentic Self

Self-care is truly underrated.

When you’re sitting on a plane and the oxygen levels fall, there is a reason they tell you to wear your oxygen mask before you can help others do the same.

If you wear your mask first, you can help three or five others with their masks. But if you start by helping others, you’ll at max one or two people and end yourself in the process. It’s of no good.

You have to prioritise yourself even if you want to care for others.

Overcoming Hyper-Independence: Why Support Systems Matter

Who doesn’t love a friend checking up on them when they’re low? Who doesn’t appreciate sitting quietly with their partner and doing their own thing? If you don’t, you never crossed the self-awareness stage because you’re still in denial. Please scroll back up to the awareness section.  

As much as we’d like to be hyper-independent and self-sufficient, we all love real connections.

Surround yourself with people who help you, support you and bring out the best in you. Ditch those who refuse to acknowledge that you are moving forward and pull you down by telling you that you used to be nicer earlier. They don’t see that you have vulnerabilities and basic needs that must be met for your happiness. 

If they refuse to see that even after you expressly tell them, are they worth spending time and energy on?

Final Thoughts: Taking Control of Your Health and Well-Being

While reviewing the book on my Goodreads account, I saw a few critical reviews that blamed him for victim blaming. Well, from one perspective, it is sort of true, because they’re going through enough shit. To simply tell them that they’re suffering because they didn’t know how to draw better boundaries and take care of themselves, is cruel, to say the least.

But that’s not how I understood the book because the truth is that he worked with his patients holistically – giving the required medication and helping them build an environment in which they could return to their lives happier and safer.

He has given us a roadmap for a happier and more fulfilling life.

You start your journey on that road by journalling.

I suggest journaling in all my posts because, believe it or not, the first step towards getting better is getting to know yourself. Of course, it doesn’t make a suitable substitute for a qualified and trained professional who can help you heal. But understanding your inner self, and facing the fears and reality is the first step you will need to take before you can change it. If you’re not ready to see a professional yet, this will help.

It’s a wonder that some minor changes in our lives, which are all in our control, can change the face of everything we’ve ever known.

Isn’t it worth giving them a fighting chance? You deserve a good life and you can create it.

As simple as it sounds, not reacting when you’re angry and not getting overwhelmed when emotions take over is challenging, to say the least.

You see, we’re born impulsive. We cry for food as babies, make a fuss if we don’t get attention, and demand that our demands are met instantly. But it’s not that we don’t learn self-regulation at all. We understand it through our circumstances, caregivers and the social set-up. 

Learning it well, however, is a completely different story.

Self-awareness is one of the pillars of emotional intelligence alongside self-awareness, motivation, empathy and social skills. These together, define a team’s ability to work well with each other and drive an organisation’s productivity and profitability, even more than the intelligence quotient.

A person who can control themselves is more determined, prosperous, and in good physical and mental shape.

What is Self-Regulation?

If I were to explain self-regulation in three simple words, it would be this – “Respond, don’t react”.

Self-regulation is the ability to manage the emotions and control our responses to them. Being able to self-regulate means that you’re not a slave to them. 

Instead of letting your emotions decide, you’re able to take a step back and judge the situations based on the consequences.

Let’s be very clear that we’re not talking about suppressing emotions or disassociating from them. The remnants of unresolved emotions stay no matter how hard you try to forget them. So if we resort to suppression, we’ll never move to the next stage with a clear head. 

Feel free to refer to this post where we’ve discussed emotional awareness in detail.

Instead, use your emotions as guides.

For example (spoiler alert), if you’ve watched Inside-Out, recall how the anxiety got activated for all the right reasons. The problem wasn’t that the anxiety got activated – it was that it took over, bypassing Riley’s ability to make rational decisions.

The takeaway? Feeling emotions is healthy. Everyone goes through a roller-coaster of emotions in difficult situations. 

The key is to process them, step back, and consciously figure out the right way to respond.

Do You Need to Self-Regulate?

Let’s consider a scenario:

You have a high-stakes document to deliver to an important client in one week. On a call, the client informs you they’re unavailable on the agreed-upon date, and you must submit it two days early. 

The document is holding up the transaction, so postponement is impossible. The sole solution is to expedite and deliver it two days in advance. 

Suddenly, the pressure is real. The time is short, and you must deliver before the initial schedule. 

Now, consider your emotional response:

• You’re probably angry at the client for not informing you in advance. If you’re anything like me, you’re angry.
• You may be unhappy with your team, who failed to plan for contingencies and keep an adequate buffer.
• You may even get mad at your family if they feel your absence at home for a longer period.
• Now that you’re aware of the problem, how do you respond to these emotions?

Ask yourself:

• Are you finding it difficult to hold your voice down?
• Does the situation make you feel like crying?
• Are you going to yell at the client because you’re angry at her?
• Are you going to scream at your team for not having planned well? or 
• Are you planning to direct your anger towards your family, who are at home waiting for you and feeling upset because they miss you?
• Will you get so restless that you can’t figure out how deep you are in trouble and how to escape it? 

(Let’s call this set of responses ‘the Self-Destructive Reaction.’)

OR

• Are you going to acknowledge the emotions you’re feeling;
• Take a step back to remind yourself of what is important here;
• Take stock of the work;
• Brief your team members about the situation and check their availability.
• Reallocate the tasks and figure out the best way forward.

Check with the client to send a first draft (pre-finalisation) to get their views on the document.

You’re probably raising your eyebrows at me right now because “it’s not humanly possible to always accomplish all that you set out to do in a shorter timeline, Jasleen.” I get that. 

But even in that situation, it’s not like the problem will solve itself. You still need to send the document to the client or inform them that the document won’t reach them. You can do that all angry, overwhelmed, and upset with everyone or calmly without your anxiety getting the best of you.

(Let’s call this set of responses the ‘Regulated Reaction’.)

I know it’s not always possible to be in an ideal Zen mode. We all lose our minds sometimes (source: trust me, bro – I would know). And that’s fine.

But it’s up to you to restore your emotional stability. You have to put in the work to self-regulate because the problem will not fix itself.

Coming back to the point, if you have a Self-Destructive Reaction and not a Regulated Reaction, you need to focus on self-regulation. 

Signs You Need to Improve Self-Regulation

Here are some indicators:

Lack of Emotional Stability in Life

You feel overwhelmed and taken over by emotions frequently.

Unexplained Mood Swings

You find your moods changing quickly, from normalcy to sudden sadness without a logical reason.

Indecisiveness Caused by Stress

You find yourself stressed out and make decisions under pressure.

Making Impulsive Decisions

You jump to conclusions and rush through tasks and push the team to rush through theirs when given a deadline.

You act impulsively, without thinking about the consequences.

Feeling on Edge

You always feel you’re on the edge, about to let everything out. All you need is a minor trigger.

Over-sensitivity to Situations

You give extreme reactions to situations – it’s a hell yes or a hell no. There is no in-between.

You are very sensitive to criticism. Not only do you feel overwhelmed, but you also stress others out when given a task.

Difficulty Adapting to Change

You find it extremely difficult to be flexible in changing situations and schedules.

Frequent Outbursts

You often have emotional outbursts resulting in loud yelling or silent tantrums.

Inability to Focus under Stress

When stressed, it’s hard to focus on the task at hand, having to read simple sentences 2-3 times, and getting restless when you don’t understand it.

Difficulty Staying Disciplined

You fall out of line and are not able to stick to your routine habits when overwhelmed or stressed.

Signs of a Healthy Self-Regulation System

On the other hand, characteristics of good emotional regulation include:

• The ability to stay calm, despite the storm;
• The ability to continue your routine activities and stay disciplined, even when stressed;
• Ability to make quick and smart decisions even during a crisis;
• Openness to alternative solutions to the problem and
• Enter flexibility to adapt to the changing environment and circumstances.

Why is Self-Regulation Important?

You’re in Control

A reaction is automatic, but a response is crafted and delivered at the right time in the right way.

Just like you can’t control your emotions, don’t let them control you. I’m not saying they’re going to disappear, they won’t. You’ll still get angry, sad, anxious, stressed, and scared. However, self-regulation will allow you to control the response to those emotions. Instead of your emotions, you’ll be sitting in the driving seat.

Greater Life Satisfaction

According to the Journal of Happiness Studies, individuals who applied effective emotional regulation techniques reported a massive increase of 30% in their overall life satisfaction.

Reduction of Stress and Negative Thoughts

Although this is a huge number, it’s not shocking because the direct result of self-regulation is a clear head – not clouded by biases and overshadowed by negative feelings and thoughts. 

As a result, it helps to reduce the overbearing stress, restlessness and panic caused by it. 

Improved Decision Making

When you’re not thinking about what can go wrong, you start thinking about all that can go right in a situation. You can make an accurate assessment of the situation and make sound and logical decisions.

Improved Emotional Intelligence

Once you’re aware of your strengths, weaknesses, feelings, actions and motivations, and their impact on others and the environment, self-regulation is the second step towards improved emotional intelligence.

Enhanced Focus

Improved self-regulation and emotional intelligence increase focus on important issues—specifically, achieving the results without wasting resources or time managing the aftermath of an outburst.

Why do We Fail to Self-Regulate: Understanding the Root Causes?

Lack of Self-Awareness

This is big.

Without knowledge of internal and external circumstances, self-regulation becomes irrelevant, as there is no awareness of what requires regulation, when, or why.

If you’re not able to put a finger on what emotions you’re feeling, you need to read this post right after you finish it AND take notes.

We’ve covered this in great detail in this article.

Suppressed Emotions

The psychology expert Sigmund Freud once said that outbursts happen because our first-level defences fail. If you keep suppressing your emotions and ignoring the red flags or dissociating from them because confrontation is too much to deal with, eventually at some point, your brain will give up. Resulting in an outburst.

The choice is yours – a confrontation or an outburst.

Responses to Past Experiences 

Stress triggers the brain’s fight-or-flight response, making the body react to perceived threats. According to experts in the psychology field, this may result from past traumatic or stressful experiences.

Lack of Opportunities to Learn Self-Regulation

As toddlers, we learn to self-regulate with the help of our caregivers. We respond to the soothing given by them and, over time, learn how to do that for ourselves.

If such training was missing in childhood, it is possible that you did not learn self-regulation because of a lack of opportunity.

While growing up, we may have seen our caregiver failing to self-regulate and witnessed their outbursts and breakdowns in stressful situations. Because of this, we now mimic their behaviours.

Social and Cultural Practices

Often, the juniors trained by toxic leaders learn the leader’s ways to get the work done.

The culture of seniors giving shit to juniors, and juniors accepting it from seniors, perpetuates in the organization.

Physical Causes

Physical exhaustion, lack of energy because of vitamin or mineral deficiencies, and low blood sugar may cause frustration and affect self-regulation.

Cause/Effect of a Mental Health Condition

The inability to self-regulate can be a cause or result of various mental health issues like anxiety, depression, a personality disorder or a stress-related condition – all of which require a professional’s help.

Steps to Self-Regulate in a Crisis at Workplace

Take a Re-Assessment Break 

The idea of a break right in the middle of a crisis is to take back control. We should learn the art of dolce far niente.

Remind yourself that emotions happen, but you can choose how to respond. 

During this break, acknowledge what you’re feeling, notice the emotions, and name them. If you’re too overwhelmed, try stress management techniques that work for you. 

Here is what works for me:

• Sit comfortably in a chair and rest your feet on the ground.
• Notice how the ground feels, how the chair feels on your body.
• Is the ground or the chair cold?
• Count to 6 while breathing in and then count to 6 while breathing out. I swear it helps to reduce the anxiety in the moment.

Something that works for me is also a short-term distraction of bloopers from my favourite show.

Possible Responses 

Once you’re calm and composed, come back to the problem and find out the best possible outcome you want to achieve.

Yes, many issues require attention, but is it possible to address them all without an outburst? Without stressing yourself to death? No matter what the situation, the answer to that question is always yes.

What are the alternative responses to the situation that will solve the problem at hand?

For instance, your junior forgot to submit her part of the work to you. As a team leader, you’re angry at her, afraid to tell the client, and freaking out about the impact of the delayed delivery on the year-end assessment. 

The responses to this problem could be:

• Yelling at the junior and the rest of the team.
• Scaring her to death about her appraisal by telling her you’ll ruin her future in the company.
• Figuring out how to complete the assignment by reviewing the remaining work while she submits her response.
• Asking her why she couldn’t submit the work on time.

Consequences of the Responses

The last step in managing the crisis at work with self-regulation is to find out the potential consequences of the responses and choose the most suitable response accordingly. 

• If you choose the first three of the responses in the above example, you’ll forget about the assignment that is to be completed. You’ll simply be sitting with a judger mindset which will consume all of your energies.
• As you scream louder or focus all your attention on her, the problem will just get bigger because now you have even less time to finish the job.
• If you choose the fourth one, it’ll help in the long run to ensure she delivers on time the next time around, but what about this time? The work is still not done. 
• Also, in these situations where you yell at her/scare her/help her in the long run, the junior is most likely going to be too overwhelmed to be working on the assignment afterwards. There is a high likelihood that she’ll be slower at her job and might make mistakes.
• The ideal solution in this case would, therefore, be the third response. Finishing the assignment at the earliest and then discussing with the junior why she couldn’t submit the assignment on time.

Practical Steps to Enhance Self-Regulation 

Make Space for Your Emotions

If you think avoiding your emotions equals self-regulation, then you could not be more wrong. 

The reason people have outbursts in the first place is because they suppress their emotions for too long or their first-level defences fail. As a result, the body can’t handle it anymore and this results in an outburst.

Look at the Larger Picture 

Before making any decisions while you’re overwhelmed or confused, think if this decision will matter 5 years from now. 

This can be your key to controlling your impulsive behaviour and focusing on the achievement of the goal rather than getting lost in the minor issues that won’t matter in the next 15 days, let alone a year.

Monitor and Measure Your Progress

Always record and monitor your progress. Without it, you won’t know how far you’ve come, how much further you need to go, and how to get there. 

If similar situations are causing similar negative emotions for you, you’ll know to focus specifically on that situation next time to stay calm and regulate better only if you have the situations and emotions documented in one place.

Cognitive Reappraisal 

You will have negative thoughts. This is not something you can run away from. What you can run away from instead is how long they last and how much they impact you. In the long run, this technique also helps to improve long-term mental health.

This technique helps you identify negative thoughts, reframe them to look at the silver lining or the positive side and reduce the negative effects.

In the long run, you’ll be able to train your mind to do this without a second thought. It’ll be second nature to you.

Be Consistent and Document Your Growth

Just like emotional intelligence cannot be learned all in one seminar or article, mastering self-regulation requires more than reading an article and hoping for the best. 

If that is your approach, then let me break it to you already. It will not work. Be consistent with this practice to make sure it sticks.

Next Steps

• Spare 15 minutes a day for journaling and self-reflection by going over your day. 
• Start on day 1 by thinking about why you want to do this. How would you feel if you managed to discover your greater potential during the process? Write this down.
• It’s only 15 minutes a day, for a calmer, more stable version of you. Is that too much to ask? 
• If you do it every day for 6 months, your brain will automatically learn the steps to self-regulation without you having to put in so much work.
• If you find it difficult to stay consistent, read what you wrote on day 1 (Second point).

Final Thoughts

• It’s okay if you overreact sometimes. You’re only human. Please be kind to yourself.
• If it happened, acknowledge it and learn from it. Why did it happen? What triggered you?
• Once you know, you can work on a better way to address the trigger the next time.
• When you recognise the roots of your self-regulation struggles, you can address them at the source, rather than just dealing with surface symptoms.
• Self-regulation isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. Start small, stay consistent, and watch as your emotional control transforms your work and life for the better.

Better work is more about building good relationships than we think. A team that likes each other is happy to collaborate, discuss ideas for the good of the organisation, and cover for each other’s shortcomings. 

Not only do emotionally intelligent people perform better, but they also encourage others to perform better by laying good foundations for relationships, even in the workplace.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Definition of Emotional Intelligence

According to Daniel Goleman, the author of Emotional Intelligence, “emotional intelligence” is the ability to understand one’s emotions and their influence on others, and the faculties to use them to communicate better. 

Emotional intelligence allows you to have excellent knowledge of your feelings and equips you with the ability to manage them.

Importance of Emotional Intelligence for Relationship Management at Workplace

You can be a master at your job. No one else could do it how well you do it. But that alone is not enough to make you a good leader. You also need to be a better relationship manager. 

More than the head, it’s managing from the heart that helps. Yes, even for increasing productivity and profitability in corporate enterprises.

What are the core components of emotional intelligence?

Goleman states that five components make up emotional intelligence.

Self-awareness

What are your shortcomings, strengths, emotions, triggers, and motivations? Which environment do you work best in? What helps you collaborate better with others and stops you from doing that?

A self-aware person is usually confident, has a healthy sense of self-esteem, knows their shortcomings and takes constructive criticism well.

It sounds simple; I know. But wait till you read this—the quality that 79 out of 100 executives reported as their strongest skill; others in the team reported it as the executives’ weakness. 

Self-regulation

Knowing what ticks you off is good, but it’s useless if you don’t know how to regulate it. 

For instance, if your juniors have made a mistake, it might make you angry, and that’s fine. The question is, how do you respond to that emotion?

Are you able to get a hold of yourself, or are you getting overwhelmed, losing yourself to your emotions by screaming at anyone who is in front of you?

Once you’re aware of your tendency to overreact or get angry over certain issues, you need to cultivate the tools to regulate that anger and not react on the spur of the moment.

How do you know if you need to self-regulate?

• If people find it hard to trust you, rely on you, walk on eggshells around you.
• You feel uncomfortable with change and find yourself stressed and unable to understand basic concepts for solving the problem.

Motivation

What drives you to do better? What drives your team to do better? 

You can leverage that knowledge to inspire yourself and your team to improve performance and productivity by setting goals and rewarding the team members upon the achievement of milestones and goals. 

How to determine if you or your team are motivated?

• Are they sluggish or energetic in the office?
• Are they excited about picking up new tasks or dreading them?
• How do they react when there is a challenging deadline approaching?
• Are they optimistic about the company and the team’s performance or not?
• Empathy 

This is the ability to put yourself in others’ shoes and see things from their point of view. Empathy is at the root of many interpersonal aptitudes, such as teamwork, persuasion, and leadership.

As a leader, empathy will help you understand the feelings and shortcomings of your team and communicate better with them. 

You should be able to notice their discomfort with the current state, look at their face and be able to tell that they have something more to add and ask questions to bring out the best in them.

You should be open to listening to your team and the solutions they propose, helping you become a better manager and decision-maker.

As an emphatic leader, you’ll see that your team likes you and will go the extra mile for you.

Social Skills

These are the skills to walk into a room, be in tune with the atmosphere, and regulate it. 

Achievement of goals and functioning well in stressful environments requires a group of people to function in the same rhythm with each other. 

It requires clear communication and understanding of goals amongst the team members. Everyone needs to be on the same page about what needs to be done.

Interestingly, if you are in tune with your own emotions, it’s easier to notice the emotions of others and communicate with them.

Why is emotional intelligence important for leaders and organisations: Research insights

Don’t have to believe me, but believe Goleman, who studied senior executives of 188 companies globally and found the divisions of managers who were emotionally intelligent, outperformed yearly earnings by 20%. That’s a lot.

There is a ton of research by psychologists that shows that people with better emotional quotient are more likely to succeed at work when compared to intelligence quotient. 

Even kids who were trained in programs offering social and emotional learning opportunities had lesser suspension rates, attended school more often and were more disciplined.

When Goleman compared differences between average and exceptional performers, he was stunned to note that 90% of the difference in their profiles was because of emotional intelligence. Now that is an enormous number!

How does emotional intelligence impact team relationships?

The ripple effect of mood across teams

Yale University did a very interesting experiment in 1998. 

They divided their volunteers into groups and planted actors among them. When given a task, the actor in the group always spoke first.

In group one, the actor, within one group, spoke with cheerful enthusiasm.

Another actor spoke with relaxed warmth in the second group.

In the third, the actor spoke sluggishly.

And in the fourth, the actor spoke irritably.

But like I said, he always spoke first. 

The research found that the actor’s emotional state influenced the entire group’s mood. The feeling-good group was more cooperative, and that improved their performance. 

Even the most effective leaders in the US Navy exhibited warmth, outgoingness, emotional expressiveness, drama, and sociability.

Now that I think of it, this is exactly how Sir Sam Manekshaw also is described in his autobiographical accounts. People still talk about his charisma, ability to inspire, and humble and considerate behaviour today, and these qualities continue to motivate crowds. What a great leader!

Your mood affects the surrounding people. If you can’t handle stress as a manager, the team is going to imitate you subconsciously and perform poorly.

Demotivated people, not toxic workplaces 

I’ve heard people often casually remark their office is horrible.

The work sucks.

The culture of the team is highly toxic.

The idea of going to work on Mondays is distressing, to say the least.

More often than not, it’s not about the firm or the company, but the attitude of the team and the manager reflecting on the team. 

Example of the impact of an emotionally unintelligent manager 

Imagine a manager who has no control over his stressors. He gets angry at the drop of a hat and doesn’t hesitate before taking it out on the team. 

How does it matter if a new employee is unfamiliar with the company’s practices? How does it matter if it’s a mistake doesn’t change the merits of the matter and is noticed by the other seniors whose job is the find those mistakes? 

Instead of listening to his team and attempting to understand their point of view, the manager jumps to conclusions about their incompetencies. He loses himself to his anger and tells them they are worse than interns and what a big mistake he has made by hiring them. 

How do you think this is going to affect the team?

Example of the impact of an emotionally intelligent manager

In a parallel universe, imagine if the manager, instead of resorting to yelling, had sat his team down and encouraged them to ask for help to understand how things are done. 

Had he spoken to the freshers to identify why they didn’t ask their team members for help, they’d have felt more comfortable in asking for help the next time around.

How do you think the team would respond to this situation?

Building Happier and collaborative team relationships

I’m sure your answer to the above scenario was not far from the answers in the research findings. 

An emphatic approach by the manager would’ve improved communication in the team and helped build trust among the team members and the leader. 

The teams are happier, more satisfied and thus, more productive at work. Not a tad bit more, but about 8 times more productive than the unhappier ones.

These teams, unsurprisingly, are the core profit centres of any organization, and an emotionally intelligent leader heads them.

Better communication and conflict resolution

An emotionally intelligent manager communicates better by establishing clarity in roles and goals, and the team also emulates the same behaviour. 

It results in better communication between the team and reduces the chances of conflict between the team members.

Signs of low emotional intelligence in the workplace

An emotionally unintelligent person is one who 

• has a hard time understanding their emotions,
• often lose their cool, 
• blames others for poor performance, 
• doesn’t communicate goals, work and deadlines well, and 
• is insensitive to others’ feelings.

At the workplace, the state of relationships is direct evidence of the level of emotional intelligence of the members and the management. 

The members of such a team are often unhappy with the management, demotivated, feel misunderstood and are not willing to collaborate with other members of the team.

Chances are that team members don’t feel like they have a voice. As a result, the teams don’t function well and therefore don’t perform well. 

Can one learn emotional intelligence?

The level of emotional intelligence depends on several factors, including upbringing, social circles, experiences, cultural influences, education and the environment.

It is not something we are all born with, although there is scientific evidence of some genetic influence on empathy, one of its key components. 

Sadly, it isn’t part of the formal education system, and children don’t learn it unless they attend a special social and emotional learning program.

But it can certainly be learned. Leaders can be made.

How to Improve Emotional Intelligence for Better Relationships at Work

If a person is open to change, a focused and individualised approach based on increased motivation, extended practice and feedback helps to train the limbic system of the brain, the part of the brain that handles feelings. 

Motivate people to change

In Goleman’s words – 

“It’s important to emphasise that building one’s emotion cannot – will not – happen without sincere desire and concentrated effort. A brief seminar won’t help, nor can one buy a how-to manual. It is much harder to learn to empathise – to internal is empathy as a natural response to people than it is to become adept at regression analysis. But it can be done. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”

The first step is, therefore, motivation. Give people a reason to change.

You can use negative stimulants by telling people you’ll have them fired if they don’t deliver on time. Or, you can positively stimulate them by showing appreciation and faith in their abilities or rewarding them for a job well done—a method proven more sustainable and effective in the long run.

Journal for self-reflection 

This is one tool of emotional wellness that I advocate for in each of my posts. I think. 

At the end of each day, at least each week, sit and go over your meetings and interactions with your colleagues. Think about what worked well for you and others, what did not help, how did you react to someone expressing disagreement or missing a tiny detail, etc.

Think about where you are, who you want to be, and what would you like to change about these interactions by acknowledging you got triggered and observing what caused the triggers.

Pro tip: You can prepare your business’s books yourself, but a professional accountant, trained for years, will do a far superior job. Why doubt how much a professional can help you with your mental health? 

Review these notes on a timely basis to stay on track and measure your progress.

Build emotional awareness

Feel free to refer to this post where we’ve discussed emotional awareness in detail.

Pick up your journal and name those feelings so you can start figuring out where they are coming from and walk towards a peaceful you.

It will be easier to deal with emotions if you know what exactly you are feeling. 

Is it anger, anxiety, confusion, disappointment, loneliness, sadness, jealousy, or overstressed? What is causing it? 

We can’t change the external circumstances but by tweaking our response to the situation, we can change the outcome. And to change the response, you need to look internally. 

Learn Emotional Resilience

You’re not born with the ability to regulate your emotions.

But lucky for you, it can be learned.

Put yourself out of the setting, remove yourself from the environment for a bit, journal and let it all out, pause and look at the bigger picture.

Stop reacting, start responding

Before saying it out loud, think about whether you’re reacting, or are you responding based on logic and observation. Instead of responding at the moment, please take two minutes off and say it in your head first.

The signs that you’re reacting and not responding can be hard to notice at first. But it will become easier with practice.

The most prominent sign you can pick up for this exercise is to notice others’ reactions to you. Do they get nervous around you or can they express themselves confidently? Are they walking on eggshells when they communicate or openly crack jokes with you?

Some other signs that you need the time out before deciding can be your racing heartbeat, brain fog, anxiety, confusion, difficulty understanding simple issues etc.

As you start to become more emotionally stable, you’ll notice that your state directly affects the mood and motivation levels of your team as well.

Practice transparent communication 

When you’re the one playing games, you’ll feel you’re smart, and nobody else can see what you’re doing. But trust me, even the dumbest person in the room can see right through your games.

So do yourself a favour and communicate directly with your team. Be clear about your expectations, honest about deadlines and constructive while giving feedback. Instead of judging, strive to develop a learner mindset.

Treat everyone with respect and empathy

Everyone has had a journey of their own to reach where they are today.

No matter who you are, what position you hold in the organisation, and how much money you earn, you don’t have any right to disrespect anyone. You may not like somebody or their style of working, but screaming and disrespecting will help nobody.

Take two minutes, remove yourself from the triggering environment and calm yourself down before you address the problem in such situations. It’s not hard. Treat them like humans.

Practice active listening

You may be fantastic at your job, but it’s futile to have a team to help if you refuse to listen to them and don’t believe in their abilities.

Encourage discussion amongst the team members and keep an open mind. Fresh perspectives will sometimes surprise you.

This will also help you listen to all voices in the room and make better decisions without being influenced by emotions, assumptions, and biases.

Take accountability for yourself and the team

It’s easy to check out when shit hits the fan and throws somebody else under the bus. But if you do it to somebody else, expect everybody else to do it to you.

Instead of throwing blame, try to figure out how you can fix the problem and prevent it from reoccurring. 

For example, if you haven’t gotten feedback, ask for it instead of waiting. If the work is delayed, ask your team directly if they need more resources, rather than assuming laziness.

Give second chances

Like you, everyone has their bad days. Unless you’re God, I’m sure you have days where you find it hard to focus on work.

Sometimes, people take time to open up and learn about the environment and systems. Give them the time, space and support to upgrade. 

Give them a second chance, like somebody else did for you.

Surround yourself with critics 

It’s great to get constant validation for all your ideas from the people around you.

But it’s these people known as yes men/yes women who will also take you down because they will lie to you for their benefit at the cost of the organisation’s objectives. All they probably care about is their next promotion.

It’s best to surround yourself with people who may not always agree with you, but those who tell the truth. You should be wary of anyone who always agrees with you.

Building a Culture of Emotional Intelligence in Your Organisation

Invest in the learning and development of the team

Create an atmosphere where everyone has a say, encourages people to learn, teaches them how to express themselves and gives them a chance to improve their skills. 

Take a personal interest in their learning and development, and watch them become motivated and improve their work on their own.

Think about it, if your team knows how to do their job better, the biggest beneficiary will be you and your organisation.

Create holistic and effective feedback models

Don’t give and take feedback for the sake of it. The best practice is to create a 360° review system which is taken seriously by everybody from top to bottom.

Don’t be dramatic while giving feedback. Instead, focus on genuinely adding value and helping them improve.

Be careful to ensure that feedback is based on observations regarding work and not on bias and favouritism. Remember, it’s the critics who are going to lead you in the right way and not the yes men/yes women.

And don’t forget to follow up.

Eliminate bias and assumptions

Our brains are trained to jump to conclusions in similar settings. It takes effort and practice to break the cycles of assumptions by communicating clearly and clearing the air.

Make that extra effort to question yourself when you find yourself jumping to conclusions. 

Foster companionship culture

Whether you’re the boss or the junior, if you show up for your team, your team is going to show up for you. 

But especially if you’re in a managerial position, strive to be somebody’s problem solver by being approachable and having an open door policy.

Connect with your team in real-life

Instead of sending get well soon messages, connect with them in real life and watch your team, do the same for you and each other.

As a result, their long working hours won’t seem so long, and they’ll be happy to cover up for each other as and when needed. 

Long-term training by professionals

There is a reason you don’t self-medicate when sick, go to court and argue your case on your own, and send children to school to learn from teachers who are qualified to do the job.

Sure, you can try to improve everyone’s emotional intelligence on your own. You may even be successful once in a while. But because you’re not a professional, you may unknowingly make a mistake and do more harm than good. 

This is someone’s life we’re talking about. For God’s sake, trust the professionals to do their job. 

I know this is a cost, but remember we spoke in numbers about how productive, emotionally intelligent teams are? This will be a favourable bargain in terms of long-term profitability.

Final thoughts

• Emotional intelligence is more than a buzzword. 
• It’s a path to better relationship management at the workplace and a tool for sustainable work environments resulting in higher productivity.
• Keeping people happy and treating them with respect are merely the basics. 
• Inspire trust, motivate the team, create a collaborative culture and foster open communication. 

You can continue to live a shit life. But if you decide it’s time to do better now, subscribe to our newsletter to learn how to live your dream life.

Given that most relationships end forever because of a lack of commitment, this quote is a much-needed reminder to not give up.

It captures the true essence of the Tymoff philosophy by nudging people to understand that no human being is perfect. If we are to find peace in relationships, we have to depart from the imaginary ideal scenario depicted in the rom-coms and accept ourselves as we are.

In this article, we will explore what it means to have a “true relationship”, how imperfections shape real love, and how to strengthen your bond through acceptance and mutual growth.

What does it mean to have a True Relationship?

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship because there are no ideal people. Just like a ‘perfect person’, the idea of a ‘perfect relationship’ is a myth. 

But there is a “true” relationship, imperfect as it may be – just like this quote. 

A true relationship is built on a foundation of love supported by honesty, integrity, trust, commitment and mutual respect. It’s a relationship in which you can be truly vulnerable without the fear of judgement. 

It’s comes into existence when two people care so deeply about each other that they can look past their flaws to appreciate the other person for who they are. No matter what, the parties in this relationship refuse to give up on each other.

True Relationships are not Perfect Relationships

Can two imperfect people have a perfect relationship? No.

But can two imperfect people have a happy relationship? Absolutely.

In this article, we’ll discuss all the cliched advice on relationships and the emotional work that you have to do every single day. 

I don’t mean to make it sound like a chore because it isn’t one and it shouldn’t feel like one. 

It has to come from a place of love and mutual respect because you care about your partner and want this relationship to work. So shun the victim mentality and put in the work because it is so worth it!

The Power of a True Relationship

Aristotle cracked the code when he said that “man is a social animal”.

Life can be challenging. As human beings, we thrive in a group of like-minded people that support us. 

As much as we’d like to be independent and gate-keep keys to our happiness, we crave emotional connections that help us belong. Feeling connected gives us purpose and drives the survival of the race. 

In this study, the research team studied the brain scans of 2,500 people and showed them photographs of their acquaintances and lovers. The team noted that when people see the pictures of their lovers, their brain releases a massive amount of: 

• dopamine, the hormone that helps you feel good, 
• oxytocin, the hormone that makes you feel attached, content, calm and secure, and 
• vasopressin that is linked to behaviour in long-term and monogamous relationships.

That’s not all. They also found that just looking at a loved one results in neurologically reducing negative feelings like fear and social judgment.

No wonder they say that love is euphoric.

In a world full of chaos, think what a ‘true relationship’, in which you and your partner love each other enough to look through the flaws and refuse to give up on each other, can do for you!

Why Should You Embrace Imperfections in Love

We idolise everything in this world. Everything has to be perfect. Are you a perfect human being? Do you know ANYONE who is a perfect human being? Hell, who is even a perfect human being? 

P.S. If you can’t identify any faults or defects in yourself, you have a completely new problem to deal with because personality disorders like narcissism are very real. Please get professional help!

When you truly love someone, you want them to feel safe and secure, and you want to be the person who makes that space for them. It requires any extra effort to learn to accept your partner’s flaws. The love in the relationship automatically does that for you.

You want to do it because you want to be in a relationship with them. You appreciate their support and their presence fills you with pure joy. Remember all the mumbo-jumbo about dopamine and oxytocin we discussed above? It’s not work, it’s just something you want to do because you want to make it comfortable for the other person.

Side note – Let’s not confuse it with settling. Settling in a relationship is a sacrifice, but acceptance is trust and mutual respect from both parties in the ‘true relationship’.

How to Embrace Imperfections and Growing Together

We all live distinct lives and experience the same set of circumstances in different ways and intensities. We’re all dysfunctional. To expect a relationship with two dysfunctional parties to be a perfect one is setting it up for failure.

The point is, don’t aim for perfection because you won’t get it. Instead, aim to understand the imperfections, validate their feelings instead of questioning or trivialising them, and make space to allow them to be who they are.

It’s not about finding a perfect human being, but a human being who would be perfect for you.

Imperfections are Foundations of True Relationships

I have a problem with the word “perfection” when we use it in the context of relationships. 

When you call a relationship ‘imperfect’, you’re still saying it lacks whatever it takes to be ‘perfect’. 

The reality, in fact, is we are all built differently and will react differently in different situations. The different responses act as opportunities to set the groundwork for the relationship.

Let’s say you made a mistake at work and are guilty. 

If your partner tells you that you’re making a big deal out of nothing and need to stop acting like a baby, you’ll feel judged and rejected – knowing not to express yourself again.

But if your partner comforts you and reinforces the positive belief that making a mistake does not make you a failure, you’ll feel secure and come back to your partner for some peace when you need it again.

Use the challenges in your relationships as catalysts for growth.

Acceptance Results in Increased Satisfaction

Relationships thrive on acceptance as we live to feel like we’re a part of something bigger than ourselves.

This is our innate nature. Acceptance of our true self by another person feeds that nature because it results in validation.

It translates into satisfaction and contentment in a relationship for the partner who feels understood and secure. And the satisfaction levels of the understood partner are projected on the acceptor as well.

All in all, it amplifies the level of satisfaction for both parties in a relationship.

Secure Relationships

This study of 209 heterosexual married couples showed that a person’s acceptance of their partner in a relationship is related to their and their partner’s level of satisfaction in the relationship. 

True love is not asking your partner to change but to create a secure space for them and have them do the same for you. 

When you do that for your partner, you invariably set an example for your partner to follow the course. 

Stronger Emotional Connection 

If every relationship was perfect, no one would ever have a chance to be there for their partner, who would never know how special they are to you.

As you make space for each other to be who they are, you’ll see your partner doing the same for you in return. Thereby fostering trustworthiness in the relationship.

You’ll be able to truly count on each other and see how it strengthens your emotional connection.

Vulnerability Promotes Trust

In a moment of weakness, when your partner is vulnerable, they’re taking a risk by sharing their thoughts and feelings despite the possibility of rejection.

When you show up for your partner in their moment of weakness, they register your presence. This ability to rely on your partner fosters trust in a relationship.

Don’t Tolerate Toxicity in Relationships

Accepting relationships as they are does not mean settling for someone who doesn’t meet your needs and puts up with an inadequate relationship.

If you already haven’t noticed it, the quote “a true relationship is two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other” focuses on the role of both parties. 

A relationship in which you’re the only party accepting the other’s imperfections is not a relationship that this philosophy applies to. Where the imperfection becomes a toxic trait that suffocates your sense of self and self-esteem, you’ve tried everything to make it better. Don’t accept and don’t settle.

The idea is to be the person who would never give up on the person who didn’t give up on you, not the person who refuses to give up in a relationship that lacks the basics – love, trust and mutual respect. 

How Can Imperfect People Build a Strong Relationship

Relationships are easy to initiate, but it takes a lot of love and a ton of cliched advice to maintain. You may happen to fall in love but it’s choosing to love every single day to stay in that place.

Ditch the idea of a perfect relationship and instead, focus on building a strong true relationship.

Look inward to become better self-aware

If you keep sabotaging your own love life, no matter what your partner does, it’s never going to be enough for you.

As cliched as it sounds, to accept love, you need to know and understand that you deserve to be loved in all the ways that make you happy. 

The first thing you’ve to do is look inward.

Pro tip: Use a pen and paper for self-reflection. Writing helps the brain process better and improves retention.

Everything we’ve seen and witnessed until this point has influenced your internal wiring. Your surroundings and experiences have made you who you are today, the good and the bad. These experiences form the basis of how we perceive and process information.

If you’ve seen others around, you keep quiet, then talk about their problems and suffer when they did, you’ve learned to do the same. 

You’ll be surprised to discover how the majority of the misunderstandings in relationships stem from the fear and insecurities of the misunderstanding party.

For example, if you’ve felt excluded from a group in the past, your partner’s act of not expressly inviting you to a dinner organised by them for their friends (because you’re a co-host) can feel like a trigger. You get the sense.

You can start this by thinking about:

• When was the last time you got irritated, angry or annoyed?
• Why did that happen? 
• Does it happen a lot? 
• Is there anything common about the reason for annoyance?
• Did you talk about it?
• If yes, how did that go? Were you able to communicate without anger or resentment?
• Are you able to make space for your partner’s needs?

Be Authentic in Your Relationships

You have flaws and that’s okay. Who doesn’t?

You can pretend to like something for a day or even a week. You can’t pretend to be someone else forever. 

At some point, you will get exhausted from putting up a persona that doesn’t resonate with you. And when that happens, it will shock your partner because it’s only a matter of time before they realise that they barely know the person they’re with.

Focus on building a relationship which can be a safe space for the authentic you. After all, the basis of a true relationship can’t be a false persona.

Ditch the Idea of Perfection

Perfection is an illusion and you can’t chase an illusion forever.

Imagine being in a relationship where your partner feels like you lack something and constantly tries to ‘fix’ you. Imagine having to deal with the constant sense of inadequacy, feeling like no matter what you do, your partner will never be happy with you.

No surprise, Sherlock, you’re going to hate being in such a relationship.

Why would you create such an environment for your partner whom you love and care for? Stop chasing perfection and let your relationship breathe.

Practice Empathy for the Sake of Your Partner

The ability to understand and share a person’s feelings and perspective sets the groundwork for acceptance in relationships.

You and your partner want to be in this relationship and care about each other. This, therefore, shouldn’t be hard work when you think about how your actions affect your partner. 

Every time you make an ask, be conscious of how you’d have felt if that ask was made of you.

Learn to Trust Your Partner 

You and your partner may not be perfect and therefore, you can’t expect perfection.

But simply because they don’t qualify the false gold standard of being the perfect person does not mean that they’re not ideal for you.

You can and should expect them to meet your needs. But before you jump to the conclusion that the relationship doesn’t meet your needs, make sure you at least tell them what your needs are. It’s not as obvious as you think.

Take Ownership of Your Happiness

The relationship is to be fulfilling but you still need to be your person. If you put the whole burden of your happiness on your relationship, it will collapse under pressure.

If it momentarily is coming from the other person, it’s fine but know that it’s unsustainable. No one and no relationship can do that forever. Your happiness needs to come from within you.

Maintain Individuality but Grow Together

This could be a different article altogether. But to give you the gist, a relationship thrives and grows when both partners are happy and content in their own lives. 

Whether it’s meeting your friends, continuing your hobbies classes, or focussing on your individual goals, don’t lose sight of the things that help you stay sane. It enhances your sense of self-worth and self-esteem; and in turn, helps you be a better partner in the relationship.

Team Up and Cover for Each Other

People change. You change. Over time, the dynamics in relationships may also change as it goes through ups and downs.

At times, you may need to adapt to new roles depending on the situation. 

Keep in mind that your relationship is ultimate, nothing should come in the way. When your partner is low, you’ve got to step up. If she’s busy at work, you’ve got to take care of everything at home.

Live a Shared Life

When you’re with a partner, you’re building a life together.

Work on that shared life – build a home for the two of you, improve communication between you all, work out together, meditate together, and travel a lot! 

Have Reasonable Expectations from Your Partner and Relationship

You should have expectations from your relationships – to be your safe space, your nucleus that you can bank on! 

But will your partner or the relationship save you automatically? No. You will need to do that for yourself but you can use it as a support system rather than burden your partner.

• Your relationship can’t save you. You can.
• Be clear and vocal about the basic expectations in a relationship. 
• Get on the same page about core values that would drive your relationship.
• Discuss how you’d like to resolve conflicts in the relationship because regardless of your denial, conflicts will happen.
• Discuss shared goals and views on how you’d want your life to look like in the future to ensure that the relationship is moving in the right direction and your partner has enough time to understand what to expect and prepare themselves for what’s coming.

Make Space for Their Needs

Make a conscious effort to understand what would make them happy.

What is one small thing that would pump up their whole day in the morning? 

Ditch the Idea of an Equal Relationship

There will be times when you’ll be functioning at 10% but will need your partner to function at 190% to make up for it and vice-versa.

If your teammate at work unexpectedly had a personal crisis and went on leave, you’d have to take on more work to meet the deadlines.

Relationships, therefore, are not always going to be equal. Make peace with that and be ready to cover up for each other. 

Learn How to Forgive

Forgiveness is much more than simply letting go and moving on. This is a hollow depiction of how things are pushed under the carpet.

It involves acknowledging and accepting what happened, and then addressing the feelings and rebuilding trust. 

This brings us to our next point – communication.

Communication for Conflict Resolution 

The quality of communication in a relationship determines how fulfilling it is for both parties. 

What to Communicate

• Anything that ticks you off in the relationship.
• Anything about the partner’s behaviour that ticks you off and more importantly why?
• Is anything about the environment switching you off?
• Anything that makes you uncomfortable. I mean it, ANYTHING.
• Identify the tick and name the feelings underlying it.

How to Communicate

• Be clear about your needs.
• Communicate before you get angry and the resentment builds.
• Explain the feelings that you named.
• Wait for your partner to explain and make space for your vulnerability. Listen to your partner!
• Listen to them with empathy and compassion.
• Do the same for your partner when they need it.
• Do it without judgment.
• Don’t play the blame game.
• Give in to vulnerability. 

Bottom line – Don’t push ANYTHING under the carpet. It’ll come back to haunt your relationship.

Have Fun Together

Don’t take life too seriously because que será, será. Shit is going to go down at some point.  

Do things that you’ll both enjoy and cherish. Take a class together, do some DIY projects, play board games, do date nights often, watch a show together – just catch a break. Celebrate milestones and do those small crony gestures for each other!

Don’t let the rut get the best of your relationship.

Have a quality time together.

Signs Your Relationship Needs Professional Help

Relationships go through the usual ups and downs. They’re supposed to feel like warm hugs from the only person you want to hug whenever you need to. If it’s not feeling like it for a while, it’s time to ring the sirens.

It’s always a good decision to get professional help if:

• Communication doesn’t seem to be working 
• Mistrust in the relationship
• Prolonged periods of stress 
• Conflicts are unresolved and piling up
• The connection is missing
• You’re both arguing all the time
• Working on the relationship has persistently felt like a chore
• Your safe space is exhausting you

How to Save Yourself from a Toxic Relationship

Acceptance in relationships and true relationships does not mean settling in a toxic relationship.

Relationships in life are what drive us and keep us going. They form a holding ground for us to work off on and that’s how they should be. When you’re in a relationship, it shouldn’t feel like you’re always struggling to communicate and get or give attention.

Here are some signs to consider whether you need professional help in building a true relationship.

Acknowledge the Reality of Relationships

I know we’ve been talking about acceptance in this article and not changing the other person. But life is not always hunky-dory where the partner is also thinking about acceptance of your core needs and changing negative patterns for your sake.

People are fucked up. Domestic violence, mental cruelty, infidelity, and betrayal – is all real. And we can’t shut our eyes to it. 

When Acceptance isn’t Enough

Acceptance in such situations won’t cut it because instead of strengthening the connection in the relationship, it will result in unhealthy patterns of compromising all the time and feeling inadequate and unfulfilled.

When your Partner isn’t Ready 

It has to come from you and your partner. You can do all you want but if the partner is still emotionally immature or scared to get professional help, there is only so much you can do. 

The Relationship Reeks of Insecurity

Relationships are for the long haul as they should be to help you stay stable and secure. But if you’re constantly only worried about your relationship, how are you supposed to go and achieve great things in life?

The Relationship Doesn’t Satisfy Your Core Needs

You deserve to be with someone who brings out the best in you, makes you feel comfortable in your skin and most importantly, satisfies your core needs of companionship, friendship, love and mutual respect. 

Commit to Making it Work, if it’s Worth it

If it’s worth the effort, put everything into making it work. Do everything you think is necessary, including getting professional help. 

Final Thoughts

• Don’t give up on your relationships.
• Both parties in the relationship need to accept the other person as they are. 
• This is not work, if you love the person then you’d want to do all it takes to make them happy.
• Communication is key. This is what will make or break your relationship in the long run.
• Communicate without judgement, anger, or fear and be clear.
• Don’t play the blame game.
• Have reasonable expectations from your partner.
• But don’t compromise on your core needs.
• All of this applies to you and your partner because you alone can’t save what is made with two people. 
• Get professional help if nothing seems to be working or it’s getting too much to handle.

And it’s not what you think.

The reason why you’re ugly is not because of the huge pimple on your chin, the scar on your forehead, the long nose, or the crooked smile.

It’s not even the fat belly or you being bony, the freckles on your cheeks, the colour of your skin, the lips being too thin or thick, the eyebrows being too bushy or scanty, or the white hair or the lack of hair on your head.

The reason why you’re so ugly is only because you believe you’re ugly! No, I’m not faffing my way through this. Read on, there is research to prove this.

Trust me, there is no other reason no matter how the voices in your head convince you otherwise – your appearance does not define you.

Understanding What is Ugly – A Perspective

Defining ugly

According to the Cambridge Dictionary, the word ‘ugly’ describes something or someone as “unpleasant to look at” or “unattractive”. 

Some other words used as synonyms of ‘ugly’ are horrible, unpleasant, nasty, disagreeable, grisly, hideous, displeasing, grim, unattractive, unsightly, and unlovely.

Are you Ugly or Do You Perceive Yourself as Ugly?

Are you all those harsh things? Do the words ‘horrible’, ‘nasty’, hideous’ describe who you are?

If you thought for more than 3 seconds to answer the above question, let me confirm that you don’t embody these traits.

A recent study found that self-esteem changes are guided not only by whether other people like you but are especially dependent on whether you expect to be liked. Your ugliness is, therefore, a result of distorted perception.

I know that we’re all different. Something that seems okay to me may not to you. We all deal with emotions differently and process circumstances differently on our timelines.

But let me ask you, are everyone’s body temperatures different?

Yet, you know when someone is down with a fever because it’s above a certain threshold temperature. Even then, for a day or two, you’ll observe. You’ll see if the temperature goes down. If the condition doesn’t improve, you’ll escalate and deal with it differently. 

Let us apply similar criteria to this as well – 

• Okay is when you feel unattractive on some days but not all days.
• Okay, when you can bounce back to feeling happy and confident again on the bad days.
• Okay is when you have a bad hair day and feel a bit underconfident about it but it doesn’t hold you back from putting your best foot forward. 
• Okay is when you know you’re not looking like the best dressed in the room to attend a meeting but you’re able to remind yourself of why you’re there and don’t let it affect your performance.

It’s not okay for this feeling to stick and influence each aspect of your life. That’s when it’s time to escalate the matter and pay special attention to the feeling.

It’s not you, it’s them!

Celebrities, movie stars, models and rich people look blemish-free (literally) but do you think that’s how they look in real life without the three layers of makeup on?

The beauty standards set by the beauty industry are odd and narrow but the marketing budgets for such standards are huge because they are all for-profit organisations. These standards have been manufactured to play on your insecurities.

They are designed to make you believe that you need to look a certain way to be beautiful so they can make money.

Don’t believe me?

What makes people prettier?

This is what people had to say when asked – what is the one thing they swore made them prettier:

• Being happier and radiating joy from inside because that’s when I’m most confident and it shows! (Repetitive one)
• Living in an environment that helps me blossom and having access to my hobbies.
• Doing small things for yourself every day.
• Quitting drinking. (Repetitive one)
• Limiting contact with dysfunctional and unsupportive people.
• As cliched as it sounds, feeling confident. (Repetitive one)

Why do you Feel Ugly: Uncovering the Root Causes

Feelings are by-products of circumstances and experiences. 

This feeling also emanates from some instance in your life, your experiences with people around you and your environment.

Comparison trap set up by social media and the beauty industry

The Internet is full of people who are making themselves look like something they’re not.

Yesterday, you saw the supermodels fit a certain size bracket so that was beautiful. Today, it’s the Kardashians and the curves, so that is beautiful. 

While all of them go around filling their pockets by getting your attention and money; here you are, stuck in a comparison loop and beating yourself up to match up to fake and unreal standards, which interestingly, change every three months.

Trauma response to past experiences

• Were you bullied as a child? 
• Were your parents emotionally immature and expressed their unhappiness with how you turned out while you were just busy being a kid?
• Did someone outrightly tell you that you’re ugly?
• Has anyone called out the so-called flaws/imperfections with a negative undertone?

In each of the above circumstances, the other person has been at fault for trying to protect their brittle sense of self. But you’re the one responding to their actions and continue to suffer from the lingering effects of the traumatic experience.  

Cultural and societal expectations

Sometimes, you want to be included in a group so you try doubly hard to stay on top of what you think the group expects of you.

It could be culturally expected of you or would be considered better to look a certain way and present yourself in a way that society expects you to. If you cannot adhere to it, you feel that you’re lacking something.

For example, in the Indian context, fairer complexion is often considered better than wheatish (medium/dark skin tones).

Many people with a wheatish complexion feel inferior and use fairness products trying to make themselves look fairer in the hopes that society will appreciate it.

Regular hormonal or physical changes

As much as we hate the transition from being a carefree child to an adult with responsibilities, ageing will happen! 

This is especially true for teenagers and adults who have difficulty accepting the process of ageing. You and I can do nothing about it.

We will get wrinkles, our hair will become white someday and our teeth will also most likely fall out. It’s going to happen. But does it make us ugly? HELL NO!

Influence of the beauty industry

It’s funny how we know that we all have distinct features and the society/beauty industry calls these distinct features imperfections.

What is perfect and what are flaws? Whose word will you take on this? Whose word is worth your peace of mind?  

Ironically, the beauty industry tells you to own the imperfections and flaunt them, but by calling your distinct features imperfections, it also tells you that these features lack something and aren’t perfect!

Signs of mental health concerns 

Persistent feelings of feeling bad about your looks can be linked with mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and body dysmorphic disorder, all of which can distort self-perception.

At the same time, if you suffer from these conditions, they create more space for negative thoughts about how you look and could as a result, cause you to feel unattractive.

How feeling ugly impacts your life

When we talk of this, we often hear of only the surface-level issues related to this. It’s hard to imagine the practical implications of this feeling on your social life, mental and physical health, and your general approach to life.

Effects of feeling inadequate on social life 

If you constantly feel inadequate, it’s hard to comfortably be doing things that otherwise may seem normal – hanging out with friends, standing in front of a class to give a speech, going to a party, or speaking up in a meeting.

This fear of getting judged for your appearance makes you want to hide. As a result, you may end up isolating yourself. 

Difficulty coping with setbacks

This feeling spills into other aspects of your life and although you’re capable of so much more, your self-limiting beliefs hold you back. 

You’re scared about others’ opinions of you because you’re not sure of yourself and it reflects in how you tackle problems, how you handle criticism and how you cope with setbacks.

Effects on mental health and emotional struggles

Neither withdrawal nor loneliness fare very well in life. It adds to your troubles and may also lead to other mental health concerns like social anxiety and depression.

Overcompensating to cope with life

Sometimes, to cope with the feeling of inadequacy, you end up going out of your way to feel like a part of the crowd, to feel like you truly belong. 

Overcompensating and buying clothes that everyone else thinks are better, talking like them, and looking like them even though it doesn’t resonate with your core self. 

As a result, you’re stuck in the wrong crowds feeling utterly lonely in rooms full of people pretending to be someone you’re not.

Practical Steps to Cope and Overcome Feelings of Inadequacy  

So I may not know where you get this from or who told you this but I do know this – you can change this feeling about yourself without changing any physical trait or aspect!

You can alter how you experience things by training yourself to change your perception. 

Acknowledge the issue and accept you need help

Peeling off the layers takes time and patience but most of all, it takes acceptance that you need help. If you even refuse to believe that there is a problem, you’ll never get around to beginning your journey of finding any solutions.

Little do we realise, that sometimes, it takes a little bit of effort for a lot of good to happen in life.

Explore the insecurities underlying feelings of ugly

Yes, it’s time for some self-reflection.

Like I said, feeling ugly is just the result. To change the result, you need to deal with the multiple layers that feed this feeling. We need to know where this is coming from!

In the sections above, we’ve talked about the many reasons that could be the reason for you to feel this way. 

Go over each one and ponder over it for a while and then, write your thoughts on it. 

Pro tip – Highly recommended that you write this down because science says that writing letters and sentences (not typing) helps the different regions of the brain connect better. 

Effectively, your brain functions better and you have improved memory because writing gives you time to process information. No wonder, if you took notes in your class, you understood and retained more than the people who didn’t.

So, I hope you’ve picked up your pen and paper to have a better chance at recalling your thoughts, getting back to them later without missing the details and sorting through them when you need to. 

Ask yourself the following questions:

• What are my triggers?
• What feelings do these triggers give rise to?

Work your self-perception: Reprogram how you value yourself

You’ve read this long article and you’re almost at the end. This shows:

• You have the patience to go through the whole damn thing (I know it’s long!).
• You are an open-minded person looking for solutions.
• You are done feeling like shit and ready to do what it takes to change your mindset and turn your life around.
• You are a forward-looking person who is hopeful and hasn’t given up even though it hasn’t been easy at all.
• You can read (:p).

There is so much to be grateful for and so much to be proud of yourself for. If you want, you can start clearing the mess in your life right now and start noticing each negative thought and correcting yourself.

I know it’s easier said than done. It’s not a day’s job. But if you start working at it today someday, it will not take you so much effort to remind yourself to feel good.

It will, with time, get easier to look for something good in yourself and be happy with yourself instead of hunting for the so-called “ugly” features.

Audit your digital information consumption

Like I said, one of the majority of the reasons for feeling unattractive is because the beauty industries with their massive marketing budgets are targeting people like you and working hard to make you insecure.

Figure out what exactly is resulting in you comparing to the faux threshold. And where are you hearing about it from?

In a recently conducted study, 82% of the people claimed to have bought beauty products after they saw influencers rave about them. That is a huge number.

Is it the social media posts by influencers, Instagram reels by make-up artists, models and movie stars, or fashion magazines?

The problem with the internet is – it shows you more of what you generally spend time on and not what you need to spend time on. So if you follow content that will bring you down, the internet is going to through loads more at you.

The exercise you need to do is – unfollow all accounts and pages that contribute to this feeling and replace them with content that helps you be a better version of yourself, relax, achieve your goals, and stay happy and healthy. Follow self-improvement, personal growth and development content (shameless plugin – don’t forget to subscribe).

Also read – 7 Strategies to Break Social Media Addiction

Learn to deal with the spotlight effect

This is a psychological concept that describes how we tend to overestimate what and how much other people notice about us as if we’re under a spotlight and the world can see each minute movement. 

Because we’re scared of judgment, we over-analyse each of our mistakes and assume everyone else is doing the same. 

In reality, however, everyone is too busy dealing with their own lives. Nobody cares.

And even if they did notice it, so what? Is the world going to crash? If the answer is no – then it doesn’t need your attention.

Practice a self-care routine 

We’re all very busy in our lives. On some days when I get back home from work, all I want to do is watch a meaningless show, scroll through some Instagram reels, or better yet, stare at a wall. I know it gets hard to make time for yourself.

But I’m not asking for an hour or even 30 minutes. You just need 5 to 10 minutes a day to gather yourself together and do something small for your brain to register that even on a busy day, it matters how you feel about yourself.

• Listen to the music you love. 
• Watch 10 minutes of a feel-good show (I recommend Schitts Creek, Friends and the Office).
• Do some hair care or skin care.
• Spend some time journaling.
• Use your favourite perfume.
• Wear clothes that make you feel good about yourself.
• Sneak in a quick dance routine.
• Go for a walk and listen to your favourite podcast.
• Go to the gym (I don’t relate to this one, but I know people who swear by it).

If you spend 10 minutes for 365 days to do this, you’d have done this for 3650 minutes i.e., 60.83 hours taking care of yourself. 

Cut out the negativity

As cliched as it sounds, the people around us influence us – our actions, moods, and thoughts.

As a rule, keep your healthy support system close because when someone who cares about you criticises you, they’re helping you to grow. But if someone is simply putting you down time and again, why are you leaving space for them in your own life?

You don’t want to be around people who pull you down and don’t wish you well, who take and take from your vessel but don’t give.

Learn to draw healthy boundaries with such people and create a safe space for yourself to flourish.

Build your self-esteem

I’m hoping you still have that pen and paper in your hand and take notes because this is the most important section of this article. 

Your sense of self-esteem defines how you perceive and value yourself. If your self-esteem is low, you’re more likely to doubt yourself, take a hard hit when someone questions you and feel unworthy. 

On the other hand, if you’re secure, comfortable, confident, and believe in yourself, you will return stronger when you’re stuck in a problem situation.

It’s pretty simple – if you don’t believe you’re worthy, you won’t try to achieve it. But when you know and truly believe you deserve what you’re aiming for, you will do everything to see it happen.

If you think, no matter what you do and how much you work, your life will never change, trust me, you also want to read – 13 Signs that Your Life Will Never Get Better.

Don’t let the stumbling keep you down

While you’re doing so well, feeling like you’re getting somewhere, something might happen. Something that may feel like you’re right back where you started. 

But if you push through these few days, you’ll realise you can come back faster than the last time. Things will happen again because life continues. 

Each day will be different, some will be good and some will be bad. But you’ll see that the lows are neither as hard nor as long each time. You’ll bounce back quicker to feel like yourself again.

Self-Esteem Worksheet

You can read it and forget all about it in the next three minutes but if you have it written on paper, you WILL come back to this again for sure.

So, please, please, please pick up a pen, write down today’s date and get started with what we’re going to call – your ‘self-esteem worksheet’.

Self-reflection using the self-esteem worksheet

Answer the following questions in detail. Take as much time as you need. Don’t rush through the process. Ponder over each question!

• Make a list of 5 things that you think are wrong with your looks today.
• What if you fixed each of these 5 things? How would that affect your life as it is today?
• Read the answers you wrote above and notice what causes you to make these negative observations about yourself. Is it a life experience, your friends, social media, or movies? 
• What are you trying to achieve by fixing what the beauty market calls imperfections but honestly, they are just features?
• What are the 5 things that you would never change in your physical appearance?
• What are the 5 things apart from your physical appearance that you’re proud of?
• Name any 2 good things that happened today. 
• Name any 2 good things you’re glad you did today.

If you can’t find any, just scroll up to the ‘Self-Perception’ section and then return to this.

If you’re feeling low again two days later, return to this self-esteem worksheet and answer the questions again. Then read what you wrote in your previous worksheet and I promise you, something internally will shift making you more alert to all the good that you offer and all the good that is happening to you.

Treat your greatest resource well 

No extra marks for guessing what (or who) is your biggest resource. In case you still haven’t guessed it, it’s YOU!

You can’t expect others to be kind or compassionate with you if you’re not going to be that with yourself. This is a move that has to come from you because even if someone else were kind to you, you’re most likely to reject it because you don’t think you deserve it.

So stop putting yourself down, cut out the self-deprecating humour. Be grateful for wherever you are in life, for your ability to read this, and for working on yourself. If you’re still having trouble relating to this, please go back to the Self-Esteem section and restart!

Next steps

• Be kind and considerate with yourself.
• Be patient with yourself.
• Stay consistent with the practical tips.
• If you don’t put in the work, don’t expect any results.
• Following the practical tips consistently will rebuild and solidify your sense of self – giving it the strong foundation it needs.

Final thoughts

• You are beautiful. Don’t let media, society or your past define it for you.
• A 1000 people could tell you how beautiful you are, but if you don’t feel it, you’re not going to believe a single person. 
• Your happiness and your self-worth are your responsibility. No one else is going to be able to maintain this for you. Even if they’re helping you temporarily, good for you, but it’s not sustainable. 
• So start small, but get started – you need to believe in your beauty!

I am a corporate lawyer and worked in a field almost alien to the work-life balance concept. This is the story of how I discovered the importance of work-life balance, how I achieved it, how it changed my life, and how you can achieve work-life balance to change yours if you like. 

I knew nothing about being overworked, professional burnout, work-related stress, and how it can impact my physical and mental health.

I love to keep myself occupied with work. Work-life balance was a concept that I didn’t resonate with at all! To my mind, it was what the lazier ones raved about. 

I did that through school and more through college. I was that person in college who managed my grades pretty well, delivered all my assignments on time (I swear, you can check with my teachers!), participated in all the curricular activities like mock courts, dance competitions, and theatrics, along with several internships while managing my part-time remote writing gig! Who doesn’t need extra bucks in college?

And no, I didn’t miss many outings or trips with my friends and took every opportunity to do so The FOMO was real even then, you know.

With all of that, I landed just the job that I wanted!

The lost work-life balance: From dream-life to dread-life

In the final year of college, I landed my dream job! Being the overly enthusiastic and excited person I am, I barely took 2 to 3 days off after my final semester exams before I moved cities to join as an Associate in the General Corporate team. The work was good but the money was better! Life was as good as it gets.

What else could I have asked for? It was every law student’s dream.

As I continued to live my dream life, I completely lost myself in the cycle of moving from one deal closing to another. I witnessed my dream life turn into a complete nightmare as I failed to pause amidst the chaos.

Don’t get me wrong, I still delivered the work product on time and in pretty good quality, so I’m told. I’ve always been sincere with my work so it’s not something I could ever compromise on even then. I met some exceptional seniors including my mentors at this workplace who taught me the work ethic I will carry with me for the rest of my life and be forever grateful for. 

But I was constantly so tired that I dreaded waking up and going to work. 

If it wasn’t my workplace, then what was the problem?

Why work-life balance was impossible to achieve?

Achieving a work-life balance to improve my life felt impossible because of one big problem – me!  

I had no idea when to stop and say no and how to say it. I had the problem of what we call – fluid and porous boundaries. While trying to get more and more done and prove that I could do it all, that’s all I did – work. 

I barely slept, ate erratically, and had forgotten the feeling of finishing a great book or watching an exciting movie. Almost like a robot, I woke up in the morning, skipped breakfast, got ready and went to work where I also ate my lunch and dinner that I ordered every day, finally came home, talked to my folks and went to sleep.

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, it was a wake-up call. I was back home with my family but stayed in my room working through the day and the night! If my mom hadn’t brought me my dinner to my room or my dad hadn’t refilled my water bottles, I swear to God I’d have starved.

I used to despise working and getting staffed on new matters. It made me anxious and took a toll on my mental health. 

But, I also missed being the person who loved to work and could completely pour herself into it! I missed being on top of everything on my desk and loving every second!

I missed being the person who was happy to take on extra work and enjoyed it. 

How did I learn that work-life balance was crucial?

One day, after a long call with a close friend, something clicked! I spoke to a few seniors and got in touch with a professional counsellor who could help. 

I spoke to my parents and friends, leveraging the length and breadth of my support system, and got to work because I was done. I was done being the person who wasn’t ‘me’ anymore. 

I was done being sorry for myself. I was done being a victim.

So, I got to work.

I consciously worked hard to learn more about myself, why it was so hard to say no and how to start doing it for about four to six months. 

I learned what saying no means

I learned that sometimes, saying ‘no’ means your performance will be even better at work, and your team will appreciate the honesty you bring to the table by updating them when you have more bandwidth to work when you do. Most importantly, you’ll be happier doing all the more.

I also learned how saying no benefited my attitude towards work. Having just a few hours of the day for some self-care helped me reconnect and rediscover my old self that I missed so much. 

I learned about healthy boundaries

• I learned to say no before it got too much to handle, preventing the worst from taking over. 
• I learned to check with my seniors about the deadlines so I didn’t unnecessarily spend all my nights and weekends working on the documents and killing myself to deliver way before the deadline.
• I learned the importance of communicating my concerns and finding viable solutions. When I discussed my concerns about my sleeping schedule, and to my surprise, the team listened! Something so small made a huge difference!
• I learned to talk to my team members and partners more freely about my bandwidth and explain what I could deliver in time and what I could not.
• I learned that it’s okay to take a few days off to give yourself a break and return refreshed to work.
• I learned to communicate better with my juniors to ensure I wasn’t encroaching on their boundaries by being clear about the work expectations and honest about the timelines.

I learned to stop feeling guilty 

Initially, when I needed space at work, I could barely get myself to ask for it and felt guilty for wanting to ask. I’m sure if you’ve been a pathological people-pleaser like me, you feel that way sometimes too.

That often happens when we find it hard to see value in our work. You’re important, you know!

If you’re unable to perform up to your full potential, then it is nobody’s guess that your job will suffer too!

How are you supposed to research well if your brain is not functioning? How are you supposed to write good drafts if you’re unable to think clearly? How will you give a good and ‘error-free’ document if you can barely focus on what you’re writing? 

I’ve been working for over six years. I’ve seen people who would come to the office by 10.00 a.m., stay the whole night in the office and go home the next day, only to come back in a few hours. How long do you think they could keep it up? Their work suffered and so did they!

So my mantra now is simple – I know I want to work well. I don’t like to settle for a sub-standard work product. And for that, I NEED to be well-rested at all times.

Not saying that occasional weekday hangouts or late nights don’t occur. They do! But I now know when I need to ask for help and I don’t feel guilty because I know that’s the only way to deliver a good work product.

I learned to prioritise myself and saw how it changed everything at work 

This one was pretty simple. 

Happy me = Focused me = Good work = Happy boss = Happy client = Profitable employer.

Irritated/Tired me = Work full of errors = Angry and overworked boss = Employer running into losses.

There are so many studies conducted to prove this. Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin linking them. But if you still don’t believe me, please check them out here, here, and here!

Need I say more?

How life changed once I achieved work-life balance

I started to love working (again!)

About six to eight months into making a conscious effort to balance work with life, I started enjoying my work again. Now, I jump to take up new assignments and love the challenge of finishing up a complicated task in less time. 

I finally feel like myself again! 

I like waking up in the mornings to work. I am excited to attend meetings and volunteer to contribute to the hectic days of the team. I enjoy using my brain to research difficult legal propositions to find suitable conclusions.

As cliched and nerdy as it sounds, I now once again lose myself in my work and serenade myself in it. 

I am happier at work

Because I was constantly exhausted, I was mostly irritated and in a bad mood at work. I used to be angry at myself for not catching a breath and resented everyone else who could. I used to be angry at myself and everyone around me.

Now, I am happier in the office. I have a more growth-oriented mindset and handle challenges and setbacks more positively.

My mindset changed to a growth-oriented mindset

This is not only a product of me working on my boundaries in the office but also consciously working on changing my approach to life in general. 

The change in mindset is so profound that it has helped every aspect of my life. So much so that I will validate all the psychological studies and the self-help books rave that positive thinking can change your life.

No, I don’t mean it’s a magic pill. It takes effort to notice when negative thoughts pull you down and go out for dinner or watch your comfort show with your comfort people even though you don’t feel like it. At all!

But these small things have made all the difference!

My attention span is so much better

I’m not kidding but I can sit and work for longer hours because I’m well rested and therefore, get tired easily while working.

I do more during the day

Because I like going to the office and working, I consciously cut out the distractions and focus on my work. 

My ability to manage my work is better and I now work systematically from one task to another.

As a result, I now work faster and better. My productivity has almost doubled! Since then, I cleared a competitive exam and got the job I worked hard for. Recently, I also cleared my Company Secretary exams.

I deliver better-quality work

Earlier, I would have to proofread my documents at least three to four times to ensure there were no errors. Once I got back into the grove

Interestingly, because I was refreshed getting back to work, I noticed that my proofing exercise was much quicker as I made fewer typos and silly errors. I am now hyper-focussed!

Professional accomplishments after achieving work-life balance

I had created quite an exceptional situation for myself by telling myself that this is just how the industry is. This is what everyone has to do to do well here. It’s a sacrifice you make for a few years to get better only to realise that I was being a fool. The responsibility will only increase with time!

I refused to believe that there was a remote chance that I could achieve a work-life balance in my job. I didn’t think I was that person.

A couple of months later, while staying at the job where I was doing pretty well and had my billables in order, I was also able to prepare for a competitive exam!

Guarantee that working from home during preparation time helped save the time I spent commuting to and from work. In addition to these two hours, I saved time by getting into a routine, ensuring that I finished my work on time and without any distractions. More than anyone else, I was surprised when all my billables looked good, and I also managed to crack the exam!

Then I also studied for my CS along with my full-time job. I sat for some of the exams while working at a law firm, an industry that I believed had no scope of granting me any work-life balance and remaining work at my current job which requires a minimum of 8 to 9 hours every day excluding the commute from office to home. 

Now I am working on my passion project – Keep up with Kaur!

All that you need to go to achieve work-life balance – takeaways

Set healthy boundaries  

Leave your work so you can come back refreshed and ready for it. Be specific with your boundaries and stick to them. If you can’t stand by them, then no one else will.

Please don’t confuse this with shirking work. Work is equally a part of your work-life balance! If you’re free, please ask how you can pitch in. It will also give you a lot of credibility when you are struggling to make time for more work.

Learn to say no without guilt 

You can’t do it all by yourself! It’s okay to ask for help and that’s exactly what you should do if you’re genuinely overworked.

Talk to your team

Stay in touch with your seniors and juniors. If you need more resources, please reach out and arrange for them. This has a direct correlation with better satisfaction at work and hence, increased productivity.

Each team member is probably going through what you’re feeling. If you talk and communicate your needs, they will make space for your comfort and cover for you, just as you do for them when they need it.

Plan your time and work

I cannot stress enough how important planning is to your work and your life. 

Wherever it is possible, delegate tasks and supervise their performance. 

If you know something important is coming up in the next couple of weeks, It would be prudent to inform your seniors, team and clients well in advance instead of dumping it on them at the last minute.

This way, you can take enough time to finish the current ongoing assignments and also give them adequate time to make alternative arrangements for the time you’ll be unavailable.

Take breaks and increase productivity 

While it is easy to underestimate the importance of taking breaks, there is scientific evidence to prove that it vastly increases productivity.

The brain uses the time to think and rethink subconsciously, and you solve problems faster when you return to them after your break.

No wonder people have developed so many productivity techniques based on taking scheduled breaks while working like the Pomodoro technique or the Italians just happened to live longer because they take pleasure and pride in doing nothing sometimes. 

Use tools like Sleep Mode or your phone and blue light filters to help with sleep quality, and team calendars to schedule block hours exclusively for work separately from the meetings.  Block social media notifications during your core work time and lose yourself in it.

Make alternative arrangements and handover

If possible, please make alternative arrangements for your clients or hand over the work to team members. 

To ensure a smooth handover, I usually prepare a list of all the pending matters, and their current status along with the details of the work to be done, and share it with my team. I also put the link to the path on which all of the documents of that matter are available, in this list.

Not only does it make the job of the person who has taken over 100 times easier but it also helps me because they don’t have to keep calling me for every small thing they have everything that they need right at their disposal.

Stay in touch with yourself

What is your favourite movie genre? Do you like playing video games? Which is your favourite author? Do you have a hobby like dancing or knitting? Anything that helps you relax and switch off for a while – incorporate it into your daily life and consciously make time for it.

Know when to upgrade

We spend more time in our offices than at our homes. This is why, going to your office every single day for the majority of your life shouldn’t be repulsive or unsettling.

If you’ve already done all of the above but nothing seems to be working, please don’t hesitate to look for a workplace that would be right for you. 

Now that you know what you need to perform well at work, it will help you to find something that would work for you in the long run. 

Final thoughts

If I can do it, ANYONE can. You can! 

Especially now that you know how I did it and how it has helped me in my work and personal life. Take it one day at a time.

Life is always a work in progress.

Start small. Do only one of the things I suggested today, and you can come back next week to see the second thing you can pick up from there.

Let us know your thoughts in the comment section below. Also, if you enjoyed reading this, please don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter for a bi-monthly reminder to stay grounded in life and more personal growth stories!

Someone watching you when you’re angry can see your face swell up, your eyes get bigger, your fists clenching, and your hands in the air. They can hear you yell. That’s all they notice – the anger on the tip of the metaphorical emotional iceberg.

They can’t identify or even guess the myriad of feelings you’re experiencing under it but cannot express. They are oblivious to your vulnerability and experience of sadness, fear, disappointment, stress, guilt or shame – all masked by anger.

In this article, we’ve dissected the concept of the ‘anger iceberg’ as a tool to help you better understand yourself and get to the root of your so-called anger issues.

Feeling angry is good

Anger is one of the six basic emotions that human beings experience along with disgust, sadness, fear, happiness, and surprise. Emotions become increasingly complicated, and we experience multiple emotions in one go and explore other emotions like disappointment, anxiety, insecurity, jealousy, etc.

Like any other emotion, anger is usually a healthy response to an event that evokes an emotional response that alerts and inspires action. Everyone feels angry sometimes or the other.

Your brain notices an unusual situation and the blood in your veins rushes to your limbs giving your body an immediate call for action. This is your body simply alerting you of the danger lurking around you. We all react to it very differently.

In 2010, a study was conducted to assess the role of anger in a competitive environment. Subjects were shown pictures of certain objects they could win in a game, mixed with images of angry and neutral faces. It turns out that people wanted the objects with angry faces more than the others and they worked harder to get those objects. The study concluded that anger can be a powerful motivational tool depending on the circumstances and the context.

So far so good!

Losing yourself to anger is bad

Some of us express anger by crying, some like to scream and yell, some use the energy to go for a run or hit the gym, some others to sing and write, some start hating other people, some start hating themselves, and some like to throw and break things. 

But no one likes to be a screamer in a peaceful room, no one likes to deal with the aftermath of having broken a chair in the process of expressing themselves. No one decides that I’m going to wake up in the morning and hit someone, scream at a junior or throw away my phone today. 

They can barely comprehend the extent of action required to resolve the situation so they completely underestimate the consequences of their actions and react at the mercy of their emotions.

Why would anyone in their right mind want to be in an angry state of mind?

Being angry leads to high blood pressure increases the risk of cardiovascular diseases, interferes with your digestive system, disrupts your sleep, leaves the anger isolated and can worsen mental health and even hinder its recovery.

Why the anger then, you ask?

Why do people get angry

Simpler to explore and express

Getting angry is easy. It’s easier than being ashamed, disappointed, sad, scared, vulnerable, jealous, and insecure.  If you don’t use anger to shut down your emotions in that moment, you’ll have to do the harder work of dealing with your ‘issues’.

Response to call for urgent action

It’s simply a response to your brain’s call for action. While your brain sends urgent calls for action to your body and makes you more impulsive under the looming threat, it does not want to pause to think about the best course of action and its consequences. 

As a result, you tend to react quickly without taking a minute to judge the consequences of your actions and understand the risks associated with them.

Lack of self-awareness

Think about the last time you lost your temper about something. 

Was it when your friend cancelled your dinner plan the last time and kept doing it repeatedly? Do you have an anger issue or do you feel as if your friend is taking you for granted and you’re feeling rejected by your own ‘safe space’ person?

Was it when your boss told you off for not meeting the deadline for the assignment? Do you have an anger issue or is it that you find it difficult to accept and confront the trauma of failing to prove yourself just too hard to deal with?

When things don’t go your way, you get triggered. You know something is off, but you can’t put your finger on it. As a result, you get frustrated and hence, angry.

Lack of emotional awareness

How would you tell someone you’re anxious if you don’t know it yourself? You can see that your hands are shaking, you can feel your heart beating at 10 times the pace, and you’re nauseous. 

Most people will mistake it for a heart or a breathing issue and take you right to the hospital. Only to realize that your lungs and heart are in the best shape but something else is broken – which is hidden underneath because you either can’t put your finger on it or you’re not ready to deal with it yet. 

This is also why anger, being right on the surface and visible, is often called the secondary emotion triggered by several other primary emotions. 

Emotional suppression

Icebergs are not formed in a day. It takes months and years of emotional suppression caused by circumstances that taught you that expressing them is not going to lead you anywhere, it’s only going to make you look weaker, your emotions are invalid or you’re delusional to be feeling them – you get the drift.

Over time, you registered that getting angry is the easiest way to deal with them. Even if you know what you’re feeling, you don’t express yourself because you don’t believe someone is listening hard enough to help you solve the problem!

The lack of this ability to identify and express your feelings will leave you frustrated because no matter how hard you try, people just don’t get it!

Lack of ability to express 

Toddlers who can’t ask for what they need also try their best to explain themselves using sounds and signs. And if you don’t understand what’s going on in a minute or so, the toddler will completely lose its mind. 

Now imagine if a grown adult cannot herself even though she is perfectly capable of using language and words that everyone around understands! How frustrating would that be?!

Sense of control and making yourself heard

In the middle of chaos when you’re feeling guilty, insecure, and lost, ‘anger’ camouflages powerlessness with a feeling of having everything under control. This gives you a false sense of being grounded and heard when you’re afraid and feeling unseen.

Untangle yourself using the anger iceberg

None of what is written in this article takes away your responsibility to manage your emotions or justifies the destructive manner of expressing yourself. 

But this is being told to you to help you destigmatize the problem and kickstart your recovery by forgiving yourself and being compassionate towards yourself.

Apart from being a really good tool to understand what anger is and where it comes from, it also helps you to address your ‘anger issues’ or should we say, lack of emotional awareness and understanding of how to express them.

I’m going to break this up into three parts so it’s easy for you to move step by step through your process – Self-awareness, emotional awareness and dealing with emotions. Use this as your anger iceberg worksheet!

Self-awareness – Make a list of your triggers

Your anger is valid. It’s not born in thin air and is coming from somewhere, so explore it further.

Take a notebook and answer the following questions:

• What are the circumstances that have recently triggered me?
• Why did it affect me so deeply?
• Is there a pattern in these circumstances?
• Are there underlying emotions of abandonment, fear, disappointment, and dismissal that I am experiencing?
• Is a second person involved in this? If yes, how? Is it something they said or did?
• Did I feel misunderstood or completely unseen?
• Did I feel like something was unfair or unjust in those circumstances?
• How do I describe my experience of the emotions under each of the triggering circumstances?

I highly recommend that you don’t do this as a mental exercise. You will need to refer to this list again so be as descriptive as you need to be.

Emotional awareness – Name all your emotions

Instead of targeting your anger and trying to understand it, just turn the iceberg upside down and start right from the bottom at the root of the iceberg – where it is the strongest. 

To do this, go back to the list of circumstances and name each of the emotions you felt.

Was it any of the following:

• grief
• guilt
• hurt
• shame
• disappointment
• helplessness
• contempt
• depleted
• judged
• abused
• used
• helpless
• incompetent
• empty
• worthless
• invaded
• unwanted
• traumatized
• betrayal
• regret
• lonely
• anxious
• threatened
• stress
• sadness
• embarrassed
• rejected
• overwhelmed
• weak

Once you’ve identified the emotions for each of the circumstances, you’ll know what are the primary emotions that are causing the frustration and deal with them accordingly.

If it’s loneliness, reach out and ask for emotional comfort and company. If it’s betrayal, go and explain why you felt betrayed and how it can be fixed and avoided the next time. If it’s guilt or embarrassment, express why you felt that way and reacted badly because of that.

Deal with the emotions as they arise – Communication is key

The root cause of the majority of interpersonal relationships is poor communication.

We all grow up in different environments and live distinct lives before meeting people. Even if we’ve known someone since they were born, each of us has a unique set of problems to deal with. 

Even siblings who share the DNA from their parents and are brought up by the same set of parents in similar circumstances experience the same things in extremely different ways. How then can we expect to be on the same page with anyone unless we talk to them about it?

Talking about your issues will help others to understand your needs. It’ll help you understand what others need from you and come on the same page.

Coping strategies for anger management

Maintain an emotional log

I speak from personal experience when I say this – Writing it down, just throwing up everything brewing inside on a piece of paper shifts something internally so deeply. It helps me sort out the mess in my head and see everything much clearer. I physically feel lighter. 

You don’t need a fancy journal to do this, although a guided one will help. I use the Notes app on my phone for now – convenient and accessible.

Identify triggers and negative thought patterns

If you’ve done the exercise then you already know your basic triggering circumstances and emotions. Taking cues from there, identify your thought patterns and take conscious steps to fix them. We’ve written more about it in our article on victim mentality here and judger and learner mindsets here.

Thought patterns are not formed in a day. Take it from me because I’m talking from experience – it’s going to take consistent effort and work to re-train your brain to stop jumping to negative conclusions. You’ll have to keep reminding yourself as you find yourself going astray.

There may be some days when you find it exhausting to do this but once you notice how well your healthy and positive mindset affects your life, you’ll want to devote time to maintain it yourself.

Take time off

We have so much to do and take care of. Amidst the chaos, you’ll inevitably feel overwhelmed once in a while. Take time off when you need it! Build it into your daily routines just like the Italians – who make time to do nothing! 

The value of good sleep, taking some time off and working to maintain a positive mindset is truly underestimated.

Distract, don’t suppress   

If you find yourself getting overwhelmed, it’s okay to find something to distract you for the time being and come back to the situation once you’ve had some time to cool off about it. 

Even if the circumstances are not going to change, your calm mind will help you see the solutions more clearly.

But it’s also very important to come back to it and do the exercise of naming your emotions so it doesn’t start to form an iceberg.

Ask for what you need

It may feel like the world is about to end and nothing or no one understands you right now. But I promise you, if only you truly and wholeheartedly expressed your feelings, you’d be surprised to know how many of us would line up just to hear you out. 

Wear your heart on your sleeve and ask for everything you need.

While all of this will help, nothing compares to a professional who is trained to help you discover and deal with everything that is underneath. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional therapist or a counsellor if you find things getting out of hand too often. Also, don’t wait for the problem to get worse. If you’ve thought about it even once, go for it!

You have nothing to lose!